Hey Friends,

Just wanted to shoot you this mass e-mail to give you all an update on my fantasy baseball team and how things have been going so far this season. I apologize that it’s been a while since my last update– I know you’re all staying up nights wondering if I’ve been able to fill the hole in my outfield created by Jacoby Ellsbury’s injury, or whether I decided to stick with Phil Humber after his run of lousy starts or instead throw him back on the scrap heap, and I feel terrible that I haven’t had the chance to reach out sooner with the latest news. Before I get to the stats, I just want to let you know how much all of your support regarding my fantasy success has meant over the past few years, and, please, if there are any fantasy activities that you’re involved in where I could throw some karma your way, don’t hesitate to let me know. If there’s time between lineup changes and trade negotiations, you can definitely count on me to come to a flea market or a funeral or whatever it is the rest of you spend your time doing.

So, the numbers you’ve all been waiting for… I’ve risen to third place (that’s ten points!) in stolen bases! The milestone we were hoping to achieve in the last e-mail has finally come true! No need to send presents, seeing it in the standings is reward enough for me. (But if you must send a present, send it to my wife.)

Okay, what else to update… Cody Ross’s injury… slipping in the ERA standings… one of my children got murdered… Francisco Liriano to the bullpen… all pretty devastating, in their own ways.

Next update soon! I know, I know, more frequent mass e-mails about my fantasy team! I hear you! But there’s only so much one man can do!

Best,
Your Least Favorite Person In The World

Brawlin’ Bartender.

Dayn Perry did a all-drinkers team, and I’ve done an all-ugly team, but there’s one team in between the two that deserves mention. It’s the cast of characters on the beer-league baseball team that make up the Best Bar in Baseball.

Walk in the front door, and the first person you’ll notice is Jon Rauch. That’s because he’s both the bartender at this mythical bar, as well as the tallest, meanest-looking tatted biker type you might find in baseball. He’s the tallest person in the major leagues, but he’ll more likely be proud of a lesser-known stat: he’s the tallest person to hit a major league home run and it came off of Roger Clemens. He’s not a man of a ton of words, though, so you’ll order your Lagavulin neat or your Old Rasputin Nitro (of course this bar has good whiskey and craft beers, why wouldn’t it) and look for a seat at the bar.

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So, while patiently waiting for Pitchers on Toilets to go viral, I remembered that memes do not make themselves. And that we have before us a world full of comic juxtapositions just waiting to be comically juxtaposed. And also that it is Monday, and that there is really no better way to start the work week than with Bob Davidson in pointy breastplates. Click to embiggen.

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I would like to present to you all some highlights from the Charm School Guide of the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League. Honestly and without snark, I have always found the bulk of it to be pretty great advice for life in general, regardless of gender or propensity for baseball. I have edited out some less applicable bits, and emphasis is added. Good luck out there, All-Americans!

“If you plan your days to establish an easy and simple routine, so that your meals are regular and well balanced, so that you have time for outside play and relaxation, so that you sleep at least eight hours each night, and so that your normal functions are regular, you will be on the alert, do your job well, and gain the greatest joy from living. Always remember that your mind and your body are interrelated, and you cannot neglect one without causing the other to suffer. A healthy mind and a healthy body are the true attributes of the All-American girl.”
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Below, in cartographic form, the tortuous tale of that Peerless Peripatetic, that Inimitable Itinerant, Octavio Eduardo Dotel (whose membership in thirteen major league ballclubs has set a new standard).

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Steve Edlefsen technically had 14.2 Major League innings before last night. None of them probably prepared him for this.

What Vin Scully said:
“He was picked by the Red Sox as an infielder.”
“Looks like he should be a sidearmer.”
“Comebacker to the mound… took his glove right off!”
“Nice try by Edlefsen.”

What assorted people in my living room said:
“Did he throw his glove at that? Little league.”
“Who is this jerk.”
“Stupid Mota and his stupid steroids.”
“Way to screw that up three different ways, meat.”

On Sunday, Albert Pujols broke his season-long homer drought. Which means only one thing. Albert Pujols is back. All season, we’ve been telling you it’s been bad luck, small sample size, just a quirk of the data. And that one at-bat, that one home run, proves that we were right. Sure, his batting average is still under .200, his OBP under .250, his SLG under .300, but it’s only a matter of time. If you extrapolate from that one at-bat where Pujols hit the home run, you can estimate that he will hit over 500 more home runs this season, and get his batting average up to about .800, where it belongs. And, sure, the critics might argue that it’s only one home run, it’s only a 1-for-4 day, it’s nothing to get too excited about… but not everyone can hit a home run and go 1-for-4. Not everyone in the major leagues is capable of hitting one home run. Look at Ben Revere. Over 500 major league plate appearances, and no home runs. Ryan Dempster has had 655 plate appearances without a home run, leading active players. Sure, he’s a pitcher, but still, his at-bats count too. And with his one swing of the bat, Pujols proved without a doubt that he is a better hitter than Ben Revere and Ryan Dempster. What more can the critics want? What does he have to do to get people to stop their complaining and appreciate that they are in the presence of greatness? Does he need to go 2-for-4? Hit a second home run? Go on a two-game hitting streak? People are never satisfied. He’s back, I tell you. Back.

There are hundreds of baseball movies. There are hundreds of baseball movie trailers. Entirely too many of them can be viewed on the Internet. However, after intensive study, these six clearly separated themselves from the field. Each stands in its own way as a piece of art unto itself; each so masterfully distills the essence of its film as to make the film all but irrelevant. Enjoy.

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I’ve been suffering under a delusion. I had thought of the postgame interview as an exercise in pointless, redundant cliche-mongering. What I had not realized is that these quotes are not meant to be read in English. Return them to their native language, the tongue of Confucius, and their hidden wisdom unfurls like a flower.

Rocky Mountains 8, Dodgers 5
“This is a dream at the scene – and behind you the goods. It makes a tough decision. You walk my woods. The goods are loaded base? He has been so hot, I think I will take things to play.” – Jason Giambi
“He did what he should do. He gave me a hint to your hat.” – Scott Elbert
Notes: Give up a single Betancourt ancient Adam Kennedy started the Bureau, and then removed in the next two batters. Rather than challenge the big fight against Matt Kemp, Betancourt intentionally walked the face of Gordon Dee.

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As the calendar turns from April to May, perhaps the biggest surprise in all of baseball has been the batting performance of Colorado Rockie Tyler Chatwood. With an on-base percentage of 1.000, Chatwood is tied for the major league lead– and, a tribute to Chatwood’s extraordinary batting eye, neither of the players he’s tied with has walked even once. This flawless performance by Chatwood was hinted at last season, when he went 2-for-3 with two sacrifice hits in five plate appearances. And, indeed, his 1.333 OPS was among the best in baseball last year. But, without even a single walk to his credit, no one could have been prepared for his amazing performance thus far in 2012. Each of the one times he has been to the plate, he has emerged with a walk. For that, Tyler Chatwood wins the NotGraphs Player Of The Month Award for the month of April. Also, he has one save, which I guess is cool too.