Since the beginning of time, man has desired to read syllogisms concerning Cuban outfielder Yoenis Cespedes. As for woman, she hasn’t desired it for nearly as long — but at least since the 80s, probably.

Today, for the first time, both genders find themselves entirely satisfied, as NotGraphs presents, apropos of nothing…

Three Syllogisms Concerning Yoenis Cespedes

Syllogism No. 1

Yoenis Cespedes eats hanging sliders for breakfast.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hanging sliders are the most important meal of the day for Yoenis Cespedes.

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Some predictions need neither timelines or explanations. These are those predictions:

• A catcher’s defensive UZR will be 80% composed of pitch-framing abilities.

• Pitchers will have to wear small, hard helmets to protect themselves from line drives.

• The MLB league office, tired of the Tampa Bay Rays pitching two no-hitters per week while averaging 10 called strikeouts per game, will install robot umpires, effectively outlawing pitch framing. Human umpires will be allowed to and then eventually required to tweet about the game whenever the bases are empty. #umptweets
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In his Discourses, noted Roman Stoic Epictetus proclaims that, to live a life free from anxiety, that each of us must become like a “spiritual athlete.” To that end, NotGraphs presents this exercise, with a view towards helping to tighten and tone the spirits of the readership.

Even the most cautious children can be eaten by she-bears

Notes: In his Thursday afternoon start against the Chicago Cubs, Zack Greinke struck out five of the 20 batters he faced while conceding only a single walk and zero home runs (box). Such a performance, extrapolated over nine innings, would typically see a pitcher allow only a single run. In this Thursday game, however, Greinke allowed eight runs over just 3.2 innings — or, about 20 runs for every nine innings. Of the 14 opposing batters who put the ball in play, nine (or about 64%) of them recorded hits — over twice as many as one would expect.

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In his Discourses, noted Roman Stoic Epictetus proclaims that, to live a life free from anxiety, that each of us must become like a “spiritual athlete.” To that end, NotGraphs presents this exercise, with a view towards helping to tighten and tone the spirits of the readership.

The price of spiritual infirmity: death by bears.

Notes: Toronto right-hander Henderson Alvarez and Oakland left-hander Tom Milone make their respective season debuts tonight — the former at 7:07pm ET; the latter, at 10:05pm ET. While throwing from different sides and at considerably different velocities (Alvarez’s fastball sat at around 93-94 mph last season; Milone’s, at 88 mph), the pair posted almost identical strikeout and walk rates during their major-league debuts: 15.4% and 3.1% for Alvarez, 13.6% and 3.6% for Milone. Furthermore, Steamer projects the pair for almost identical FIPs this season: 4.12 for Alvarez, 4.00 for Milone.

Exercise: Consider how Alvarez and Milone use different means to arrive at a similar end (i.e. being a mostly effective pitcher at the major-league level) — Alvarez with plus velocity and very good command of a fastball and changeup, Milone with below-average velocity and plus-plus command of up to six pitches. Now consider what would happen if Alvarez attempted to imitate Milone; or Milone, Alvarez. Each would likely fail.

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Oh, hello. Didn’t see you there.

Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Carson Cistulli. It’s possible you’ve heard of me, but no problem if you haven’t.

Professionally speaking, I’m an editor at FanGraphs.com, a popular internet baseball site. More relevant to this conversation, however, I’m a member of this country’s aristocratic class — and I’d like to help you become one, too.

I understand you’ve just made $251.5 million. Congratulations. But understand that liquid assets — regardless of their volume — do not an aristocrat make. In fact, the greatest scourge on this country is not the economy nor a woman’s right to do any number of things of her own volition, but rather a terrorist cell known as the Noveau Riche. More on that later, though.

For now, here are five guidelines to help make your transition to the aristocracy an easy one.

Hire a valet, or gentleman’s gentleman.
Preferably of English extraction, although any of the Home Nations will do. This gentleman will make your life bearable, and you’ll wonder how you ever lived in his absence.

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Cito has spoken.

H/T: Much like yesterday, all praise be upon my man @TheScottLewis, and the gang at theScore’s Getting Blanked. Yes, again. Look, it’s been a long week. Too many meetings.

Table of Contents

Here’s the table of contents for today’s edition of Daily Dotes.

1. “Dote” Defined
2. Santorum takes his cuts.
3. Garfoosian Wisdom

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Tommy Lasorda, brief and awful Major League pitcher, legendary former manager of the Los Angeles Dodgers, godfather to Mike Piazza‘s younger brother and to Alex Avila, recipient of all sorts of honorary positions, current “Goodwill Ambassador” (read: Walmart Greeter) for Major League Baseball (despite a history of amazing, amazing profane tirades), and still a perennial presence at Dodgers’ spring camp, is going to turn 85(!) this year.

In his twilight, he has embraced Twitter. Surprisingly, his tweets are cogent and even integrate a full range of hashtags, @’s, links, and pics. He interacts with fans and young players alike, and he’s not at all curmudgeonly or haughty about his success (though he doesn’t hesitate to post office-poster-worthy phrases of disgusting optimism that all seem to vary only slightly from “If you think you are a winner then you will be a winner”). I’m not sure if someone is ghost-tweeting or maintaining his MLBlog for him, but given that both media are updated pretty often and that many of his tweets are about food, I’m willing to give Tommy himself full credit.

I’d like, also, to give Tommy full credit for living with great vigor, eating until his arms are tired and tucking in his jersey to his uniform pants like it’s a good idea. He denies the grip of death so audaciously that he is able to assume that a man fifteen years younger than him is dead:

It has come to my attention that Jimmy Wynn is not dead. Sorry for the error. Hey, not even Babe Ruth batted 1.000.

— Tommy Lasorda (@TommyLasorda) March 12, 2012

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March is fantasy baseball season, and in it, most of our evenings and weekends will be filled with drafts and auctions or prepping for said. If you’re just beginning to incorporate a sabermetric bent to your fantasy preparations (i.e. if you haven’t moved on to Fantasy Fantasy Baseball), sorting through the copious stats that are now widely available can be frustrating. You want to know which stats are most predictive of future performance, and which are red herrings, but you don’t know your wOBAs from your U.N.I.T.Y.s.

Fortunately for the beginners out there, I’m here to give you a cheat sheet on which stats are overrated, and to explain, with great clarity and exactitude (not to be confused with “Natitude“) why they are overrated.

Batting Average (AVG)

I’ll just leave this first one to everyone’s sabermatrician, Joe Morgan:

A good hitter makes sure no men are on base when he makes an out — even if that means killing all baserunners before a plate appearance.

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As everyone knows, Tweets — and everything else, really — are better when context is stripped away in the manner of a bodice-ripper’s ripping a bodice. So, without any context whatsoever, here is a rather delightful recent Tweet from James G:

Indeed, who does tell a child something like this? “Do you want to go to the hellscape of America’s Worst State^TM, young, beggared spawn? Perhaps to the bloodless, soul-murdering infinitude of Orlando-based theme parks? Lovely. We’ll go once you get a got-damn retweet or reply from, let’s say, the makers of Jimmy Dean processed meats. No, wait!: The Toronto Blue Jays Baseball Club. Yes, the Blue Jays. Fair enough, jackass?”

So, much like tertiary syphilis needs a chancre, I need your wisdom. Tell me: What kind of a person tells his or her child such a thing?