How to Destroy Baseball Immediately
Earlier today, my colleague Dayn Perry submitted for the readership’s consideration a plan to improve baseball. Though I can’t necessarily speak to the virtues of his proposal — one which, it needs to be said, involves praising, if only implicitly, the works and days of the American South — I certainly commend Mr. Perry for his efforts.
It seems only natural, given Mr. Perry’s submission, that we might turn our gaze in the other direction — that is, towards those rule changes which might destroy baseball immediately. One might note — and not incorrectly so, I think — that Major League Baseball itself has frequently been on the front lines of this effort, whether by instituting bizarrely significant rewards for winning the All-Star Game or proving notoriously stingy with their online media. Still, there are some means to the end of baseball’s destruction left unplumbed by even their tireless efforts.
Here are ten ways that the sport of baseball could be destroyed posthaste:
Raise the pitcher’s mound to, like, 14 or 17 feet or something.
Now everyone can be Bob Gibson!
Lower the pitcher’s mound to, like, negative-six feet.
I don’t know what the effect on the game would be necessarily, but it’d definitely screw big-time with Pitch f/x.
Make the season 367 days long.
There aren’t even that many days in a year! What is this, a frigging Charlie Kaufman movie?
Award a run to the pitching team for every batter HBP’d in the beanbag.
This would certainly be a sign that the Players Association had lost its bargaining powers.
Forbid unfortunate facial hair.
J.P. Howell would be the only relief pitcher left in the entire major leagues.
Enforce a minimum Wonderlic score for players.
A league in which Ross Ohlendorf is that ace-iest of the aces probably isn’t providing great baseballing action.
Enforce a minimum Wonderlic score for fans.
Otherwise, who’d go see Phillies games?
Destroy North America, either via warfare or natural disaster or another way.
That’s where most of the world’s baseball players are, duh.
Allow zombie players.
They probably wouldn’t run in the baselines, for one thing. Also, they generally feast on human flesh — which, that’d make for awkward rides on the team plane, I’m guessing.
Allow Carson Cistulli to run a team.
“I’m pleased to announce the signing of Colby Lewis to a 27-year, $1 million-billion contract.”
9
As long as most of that million-billion is back-loaded after the 20th year, I think that might be a pretty good deal. After that, you might want to value it in Yuan.
Yeah, Brian Burke does has an awesome website.
“I am SICK of all these m—f—ing zombies clogging up the m—f—ing basepaths!”
-Dusty Baker
You know, if you lowered the pitching mound to negative-six feet and then allowed zombies to play the field, you’d probably end up with quite the mess near the mound… well, a pit of snarling monsters at least (which maybe wouldn’t be *so* bad for the sport!)
The zombies would play better defense than Adam Dunn
My favorite is the suggestion for giving a run for each hit by pitch. Just imagining that game of high velocity dodgeball makes me laugh.
It’s not just a HBP though, they have to be hit in the “beanbag.” I checked Urban Dictionary and apparently beanbag means a man’s scrotum or an obese Mexican, both of which would be hilarious.
Fernando! Duck!
“It’s not just a HBP though, they have to be hit in the “beanbag.” I checked Urban Dictionary and apparently beanbag means a man’s scrotum or an obese Mexican, both of which would be hilarious.”
OMFG I laughed so hard!
And just to add a suggestion of my own: “Every post-season game will be called by a three man team composed of Bob Costas, Ken Burns, and Joe Buck… completely nude.”
Institute the DH in the NL
you know that we are trying to destroy baseball right?