Nickname Seeks Player: “Gomez’s Hamburger”
What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Omar Vizquel was swaddled in the nickname “Soft Corinthian Leather.” So Mr. Vizquel has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
“Soft Corinthian Leather” – Omar Vizquel
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Gomez’s Hamburger”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
“Gomez’s Hamburger” is the actual name of an actual star, which means that, ipso facto, “Gomez’s Hamburger” is our greatest, most multitudinous star, if not our brightest one.
What does this mean for our purposes? “Gomez’s Hamburger” should be bestowed upon the active base ball-ist with the greatest name. We care not for his skills or mortal fears or bestowals or basest urges; we care only for the quality of his given name.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
This is another way of asking: who had a great name? Johnny Dickshot did. As did Boileryard Clarke. As did Razor Shines and Van Lingle Mungo and Bombo Rivera and Blast Furnace O’Dwyer and Archi Cianfrocco and Cinders O’Brien and Bill Hill and Stubby Clapp and John Wockenfuss and Emil Bildilli and Boof Bonser and Jocko Conlon and Blue Moon Odom and Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar Tuskahoma McLish.
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current ballplayer, because his name is awesome and contributes to the uplift of the soul, should be nicknamed “Gomez’s Hamburger”? And, for one night only, minor leaguers are eligible!
The convention floor, which is owned by a man named Brickbat Cannonade, is open for nominations …
11
Doug FISTER
Antonio Bastardo
Is Milton Bradley still playing?
He’s currently a free agent, according to Wikipedia, “Where everything is wrong.”
So wait…we are finding a player with the greatest name, then applying a NICKNAME such that we will no longer revel in his wonderous given name?
While he currently is languishing in the minors somewhere (Last I heard, it was Philadelphia), Brian Bocock still plays pro baseball, has an opening day start under his belt and is Brian Bocock.
Boof Bonser fo sho.
I really like this idea.
Boof Bonser
The criteria for Gomez’s Hamburger seem a bit off. The real one is ‘an old dying star,’ or a “young star surrounded by a protoplanetary disk” which makes this more fun.
I’d suggest Delmon Young using these criteria. He’s an old dying star, surrounded by the detritus of a career that could have been, or that dreck I mentioned is a protoplanetary disk. Either is possible.
I agree with this interpretation.
Jose Molina
Joe Panik
Bryan Brickhouse
Kevin Quackenbush
David Schuknecht
Rookie Davis
Guido Knudson
Montreal Robertson
Aaron Bummer
Malcolm Clapsaddle
Travis Pitcher
Johnny Coy
Raph Rhymes
Joel Effertz
Clapsaddle makes me laugh
Coco Crisp
YES
Randy Max Ready, Barbaro Garby and Hugh Bedient protest their exclusions from the examples from the gaudy past.
I’ll nominate Charlie Furbush.
In keeping with the ‘hamburgerschwindenhammer’ post below, the phrase “Gomez’s Hamburger Furbush” has dreadful-yet-slightly-arousing consequences.
Not sure the same can be said of “Gomez’s Hamburger Fister.”
Forget the pronunciation and revel in the glory that is a pretty good reliever being named “Grant Bal[l ]four”
Phillies’ minor leaguer Tuffy Gosewisch
Al Alburquerque
Smerling Lantigua.
Smooooooooth.
Asdrubal Cabrerra
Seth Schwindenhammer
Say it out loud: Seth “Gomez’s Hamburger” Schwindenhammer
Once you feel the power that bubbles within as you utter the syllables “hamburgerschwindenhammer” then you’ll know.
“hamburgerschwindenhammer” is a legitimate German word, I’m pretty sure.
True! The literal translation, coincidentally, is almost exactly Dan Uggla’s nickname, but when used contextually by the Deutchlanders its implications are much more… let’s say… unverschämt.
Zelous Wheeler
Rex Brothers
Nick Johnson
I strongly disagree. Gomez’s Hamburger should be bestowed on the player with the most BORING name, as an act of charity. Having an awesome, awesome nickname could therefore compensate for having an instantly forgettable name.
Consider
Seth “Gomez’s Hamburger” Smith
Adam “Gomez’s Hamburger” Jones
Mike “Gomez’s Hamburger” Adams
Roberto “Fausto Carmona” Hernandez
And while I’m being imperious, Summer Anne found some terrific nickname material in the dog show post. I suggest “Nickname Seeks Team: Spotlight Ruffians”
Last comment, I promise.
Lance Berkman.
I second Charlie Furbush and Seth Smith
LONGMONT POTION CASTLE:
The Gomez Residence:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAR53XC3Rls
Aaron Harang
Alexi Ogando
Kaleb Cowart
Coco Crisp, Saltalamacchia, or J.J. Putz.
Kevin Millwood
Jo Jo Reyes
Mitch Williams. Because he looks like a hamburger.
I am REALLY surprised that nobody on here decided to nominate everyone’s favorite Rangers bullpener.
Mark Hamburger.
Mark “Gomez’s Hamburger” Hamburger. That has got to be a contender!
I am seconding this because I admire your gutsiness in seconding it yourself first.
This means we need to nominate Carlos Gomez as well
They should be nominated as a pair. So it could be Carlos “Gomez’s” Gomez and Mark “Hamburger” Hamburger. Group nicknames have been done before like the Purple People Eaters or the Killer B’s.
Coco Crisp
Xander Bogaerts
Can we reinstate Oddibe McDowell for a day? He even wore the number 0 at one point which seems appropriate.
Jair Jurrjens
Texas farmhand Rougned Odor! KC’s Cheslor Cuthbert?? Bubba STARling maybe?? CHC’s Dan Vogelbach??… i mean look at him!! http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRUVN-1RYNDOXvvycfjoxuChG97iIjdPE8IxxBi7_ONj_t_o11TwQAJD2GM
Actually i really like my Dan Vogelbach suggestion he’s a rising star and he’s babe ruth fat!! what more could you want?