Nickname Seeks Player: “Soft Corinthian Leather”
What we do is assign cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired, lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Last time out, Dan Uggla was lushly rewarded with the nickname “Stainless Steel Meat Hammer.” So Mr. Uggla has been added to our Hall of Honouur, which is so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed “u” is required for proper spelling …
“Bad Miracle” – Wily Mo Peña
“Captain Black Tobacco” – John Danks
“$45 Couch” – Yuniesky Betancourt
“Liván Hernández” – Liván Hernández
“Frog in the Pot” – Carlos Zambrano
“Aqua Velva Man” – Chase Utley
“Victorian Sex Rebel” – John Axford
“Good, Round Friend” – Prince Fielder
“I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass” – Kyle Farnsworth
“Interrobang” – Adrián Beltré
“Turbaconducken” – Ty Wigginton
“Hot Lettuce” – Jeff Mathis
“Gargoyle O’Boyle” – Joba Chamberlain
“Science or Bravery?” – Zack Greinke
“Dionysus with Rabies” – Nyjer Morgan
“The Call Is Coming From Inside the House” – Jon Rauch
“Stainless Steel Meat Hammer” – Dan Uggla
And the nickname now hanging in the balance? It’s “Soft Corinthian Leather”!
Denotations, Connotations, Implications, Intimations, and Incriminations:
There is “soft corinthian leather,” and then there is “Soft Corinthian Leather.” The latter is what becomes of the former when Ricardo Montalbon turns the phrase and in doing so makes love to the listener:
So the player whom we shall name “Soft Corinthian Leather” is the kind of man whose essence or perhaps shorn hide could be used to appoint a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. He is the kind of man upon whom Ricardo Montalbon would sit and then bask in the priceless confidence that comes from having sat on Soft Corinthian Leather.
Prototypes from Baseball’s Gauzy Past:
This player has good skin — skin of the quality, texture and sexual luxury necessary to upholster the sliding bench seats of a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba. Like Scott Erickson or Mike Piazza. Or unlike Boileryard Clarke or Hank Sauer. This is also the kind of player who, it seems, wouldn’t at all mind being an aftermarket addition to the 1975 Chrysler Cordoba, even if it meant a painful demise in a Michigan tannery. Like, say, Hawk Harrelson:
Guiding, Determinative Query:
What current major-league player, because he is his essence, should be nicknamed “Soft Corinthian Leather”?
The convention floor, which is found in the Grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn Express out by the airport, is open for nominations …
11
Grady Sizemore
Juan Castro
Vizquel. No question.
Yes, indeed. Not only is he a sexual dynamo, but “Soft Corinthian Leather” additionally refers to the exquisite quality of his glove. And to the fact that he is carefully aged like a fine wine or cheese or scotch.
We can go home now, right?
It’s not a 1975 Cordoba, but this is a man who knows style.
Easy – Sixto Lezcano – game over
I’ll go with Cliff Lee, for the suave way he fields baseballs and declines to waste time running out routine ground balls.
Mr. Justin Verlander
http://www.fangraphs.com/not/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/x610.jpg
That is an excellent exhibit for your submission.
My first thought as well, this has to be Justin Verlander. Plus, he has the on-field game to match.
Oh my goodness.
Andrew McCutchen
I nominate Carlos Beltran and his waxed eyebrows/forearms.
Excellent choice.
Nice!
i googled “carlos beltran waxed”–and even “carlos beltran waxed arms”–and found nothing… which, to me, means there is a dearth of articles on the waxing habits of players, or beltran does not wax his arms!!
http://baseball.dailyskew.com/2008/02/carlos-beltran-jinxes-mets.html
Please…. this HAS to be Arod.
- Arod is soft. Like a flower, or a pillow, or… Corinthian Leather.
- He loves fancy things… VERY fancy things.
- His skin resembles the supple tones of the finest Corinthian Leather
- He is a pussy
I could go on all day. This is Arod. Hand down.
Well one of these reasons is valid.
Yeah, I’d have to go with A-Rod for all those reasons.
Jeter?
Agreed, this reeks of Jeter.
Bobby Abreu
Doughy, Chops, Afraid of Walls, Luxury Item, Performs like a Used Cordoba
I feel like “Doughy Chops” should just be his nickname.
If not his, that should be the next Nickname Seeks Player!
Honourable Mention to the retired Esteban Loazia.
Being something of a car guy, I know that any American car from about 1973-1982ish (aka the Malaise Era) was basically an underpowered and overpriced turd. And putting “Corinthian leather” in one was the act of polishing the aforementioned nugget (“Corinthian leather” itself is a fictitious thing).
With that in mind, I see the player in question as being a finely regarded and highly paid but with fictitious positive attributes. He is an item of not-quite-actual-luxury.
So I’ll vote Ryan Howard.
Additional reading:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corinthian_leather
http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/2011/05/what-about-the-malaise-era-more-specifically-what-about-this-1979-ford-granada/
as i was reading this and swore you were going to suggest carl crawford!
…this i*…
Todd Coffey
Justin Smoak
Pat Burrell
Honestly, if Burrell weren’t retired, he’d deserve about half the names on this list, but this one would be especially fitting.
But I’m going to have to agree with the Verlander submission.
Does JD Drew still count as active? He hasn’t made it official yet, has he?
I second Ryan Howard.
I agree with Kenny re: Omar Vizquel …
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=2533602
My first thought was that this player must be the antithesis of $45 Couch, aka Yuni.
Because of this, I’m going to have to go with Elvis Andrus.
Jacoby Ellsbury.
Allthough it just screams Jeter/Arod
I would nominate Ryan Braun, smooth game, smooth man other than the whole drugs thing.
“This player has good skin — skin of the quality, texture and sexual luxury necessary to upholster the sliding bench seats of a 1975 Chrysler Cordoba.”
http://www.lewpblog.com/wp-content/uploads/Yu+Darvish.jpg
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Marty Cordova owns the patent on this. What? Rules? Oh, fine, Barry Zito.
Ricky Bottalico
http://www.fangraphs.com/not/index.php/ricky-bottalico-cocksure-cocksman/