True Facts: Five Rejected Baseball-Themed Cereals
The Detroit Free Press is reporting today that Cy Young and MVP-award winner Justin Verlander will adorn the box of his very own cereal. Proceeds of Verlander’s Fastball Flakes, manufactured by Pittsburgh-based PLB Sports, will benefit VA Hospitals in Detroit and Ann Arbor.
What other designs did PLB consider before giving the go-ahead to Verlander’s cereal? Our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired that information, and shares it now with you, in easy-to-read English™.
Here are five baseball-themed cereals that PLB won’t be making:
Name: Tony Plush’s Cereal Grains for Gentlemen
Rejected Because: Manufacturers were concerned about public reaction to suggestion that single-malt scotch is “part of a complete breakfast.”
Name: Ichir-O’s
Rejected Because: Every serving contained, like, 35 grams of Wa, a substance untested by the FDA.
Name: Jonathan Papelbon’s Xtreme Cereal
Rejected Because: Caused hyperactivity and erratic behavior. Reported one tester: “I feel like a hummingbird with ADD. Also, I just soiled myself. Like, just now, while talking to you.”
Name: Andrew Friedman’s Extra 2%
Rejected Because: Copyright issues arose. Friedman’s cereal was basically like Total, except with 102% of every ingredient.
Name: Mike Napoli’s Sexual Chocolate
Rejected Because: The “special ingredient” supplied by Napoli himself made a lot of people pregnant. Mostly women — but (curiously) some men, too.
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I would like to try a box of each, if that can be arranged. Except for the Sexual Chocolate. Sounds delicious but I would prefer to avoid impregnation.
“You’ll go Ma-Ma for Napoli’s Sexual Chocolate.”
Into what bodily opening were these people putting their Mike Napoli breakfast cereal?
I think the answer here is a cereal bath. A relaxing, nutritious, and filling concoction of cereal and milk you eat as you soak.
Billy Beane Crunch: a bunch of other, almost-stale cereals mixed together
The recipe always changes. Some years (such as in the 2000s) it was good, but lately it’s been rather terrible. Amazing that there are no plans to get rid of it until 2019 at the earliest.
Conception: A+
Execution: B
still…+1
BREAKING NEWS: Los angeles Angels manager Mike Scossia has announced he will be giving birth to triplets in October and could go on maternity leave should the Angels make the postseason. Scossia had been trying to conceive all winter by eating large amounts of Napoli’s Sexual Chocolate cereal. Afer eating 6 boxes on January 9th he finally filled himself up with enough “NAP JUICE” to become Pregnant with the triplets. Regretting his treatment and eventual trade of Napoli to the Blue Jays for Vernon Wells, Scossia had been scheming for a way to get Napoli back on the team, but Nolan Ryan laughed in his face when Scossia offered up Wells and Hank Conger in order to get Napoli back. “It really was a no brainer to conceive once Nap’s cereal hit the market” Scossia says. “Now I get to groom three youngsters with Napoli’s bat and my defense to be the future catchers of the Angels.” Once they are born Scossia plans on sending the three youngsters to the same lab where Ted Williams head is being stored. The scientists their say they can age the three siblings at an accelerated race so that all three will be ready for spring training in 2013. Reportedly Owner Artie Moreno will be paying for the accelerated aging procedure. Moreno has requested that DNA be taken from Williams skull and injected into the siblings to assure they all have 20/10 vision. Scossia’s plan may be thwarted though as Napoli is already filing paperwork calling for custody of the triplets. “I don’t want some weirdo old guy who ate my man juice raising my kids” says Napoli.
Oh thats wht’a in Napoli’s cereal, I thought it was white chocolate cereal.
There’s also Bartolo Colon’s “Colon Blast!” Now with extra stem cells.
Nah, that’s already out there:
http://www.junkiness.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/colonblow_2.png
“What can a man do but sit in his own defecation and watch the sun set?” -George Brett, June 2, 2009 broadcast between Royals and Twins
did George Brett really say that?
The Royals didn’t play the Twins that day, so I’d guess not. Not that the Royals playing the Twins was the believable part…
Coco Crispies still snap, crackle and pop the competition. Although, Honey Nut Theri-ots are tasty and delicious.
+1 for Honey Nut Theriots.
When will the False Fact follow up article be up?
You knocked it out of the park with this one Carson. It sounds like Pap’s Extreme has bath salt or plant food in it.
Nolan Ryan’s Special Ks?
Bran-don League Flakes?
Jim Rice Crispies?
Bran Buds Harrelson?
I could keep going, but somehow the Twittersphere has anticipated this post and deluged me with messages to STOP!!!!
Loganberry Morrison Crunch
Coco Crisp
Waitaminute…