Injury Designations of Baseball Past

It’s well known — both to our readers and the IRS — that the majority of this site’s fluid assets are directed towards the funding of our Highly Reputable and Totally Real Think Tank, a collection of our era’s most capable scholars, intellectuals, and amateur pornographers.

While neither prolific nor sober — and while typically found attempting to play Hide the Salam with the innkeeper’s daughter — the Tank does occasionally produce something of note.

In this case, that something is what follows — namely, a list of actual injury designations from baseball’s past. Absent from the game’s earliest injury reports are any attempts at true anatomical precision. One finds no reference either to ACLs or rotator cuffs, but instead a more colorful, if way less helpful, medical lexicon.

A. Swamp Knee
B. Sticky Cleat
C. Mexican Hangover
D. Jagged Britches
E. Palsied Bat
F. Accidental Polygamy
G. Questionable Paternity
H. Emergency Divorce
I. Sprained Liver
J. Wrenched Liver
K. Entirely Ruined Liver
L. Spotted Dick
M. Whiskey Butt
N. Manifest Destiny
O. Secular Imagination
P. Black Face
Q. Death Breath
R. Dungaree Fever
S. Mal du Suisse
T. Mal du Spavinaw, Oklahoma

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

7 Responses to “Injury Designations of Baseball Past”

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  1. King Kaufman says:

    Hide the Salam? Is that some sort of pornographic greeting ritual?

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  2. Kyle says:

    That goddamned Whiskey Butt gets me every time.

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  3. hawkinscm says:

    I’m thirsty for more information on these. Although, I’m laughing enough already.

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  4. LondonStatto says:

    Nothing beats Mark Wohlers’ “inability to pitch”…

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  5. Del B. Vista says:

    Just start praying if you’re ever diagnosed with FNORD: Accidental Polygamy Manifest Destiny Secular Imagination Dungaree Fever Jagged Britches.

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  6. Jack says:

    I came down with a nasty case of Mal du Spavinaw, Oklahoma last August when I was in Kyrgyzstan. Normally I’ll just pop a few asprins, drink some fluids, and lay in bed for a week, but in the steppes of central asia, they have this great herb that heals you in just a couple of hours. Seriously, stock up fo next Mal du Spavinaw, Oklahoma season.

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