Inserting Brian Kenny, Susan Slusser, Ken Rosenthal, and Mike Piazza’s Names Into Works of Literature For Some Reason

Crucible Kenny

On NotGraphs, the readers are entertained by one of two kinds of articles: the kind that require work and creativity and those where somebody’s name is hastily inserted into a work of literature. This is the latter.

Today, certain circumstances have conspired to make it necessary that the Royal We insert self-appointed stathead icon Brian Kenny, former BBWAA president Susan Slusser, Fox Sports reporter Ken Rosenthal, and former catcher Mike Piazza’s names into a revered representation of the Western Canon, thus making it much louder and unlisten-to-able.

In today’s episode, self-appointed stathead icon Brian Kenny conducts an inquiry in the town of Salem to the tune of Arthur Miller’s seminal work, The Crucible. Any further meaning you may or may not take out of this insertion is entirely on you.

BRIAN KENNY: I am a stranger here, as you know. And in my ignorance I find it hard to draw a clear opinion of them that come accused before the court. And so this afternoon, and now tonight, I go from house to house-I come now from Mike Piazza’s house and-
SUSAN SLUSSER, shocked: Piazza’s charged!
BRIAN KENNY: God forbid such a one be charged. She is, however-mentioned somewhat.
SUSAN SLUSSER, with an attempt at a laugh: You will never believe, I hope, that Piazza trafficked with the Devil.
BRIAN KENNY: Woman, it is possible.
KEN ROSENTHAL, taken aback: Surely you cannot think so.
BRIAN KENNY: This is a strange time, Mister. No man may longer doubt the powers of the dark are gathered in monstrous attack upon this village. There is too much evidence now to deny it. You will agree, sir?
KEN ROSENTHAL, evading: I- have no knowledge in that line. But it’s hard to think so pious a catcher be secretly a Devil’s bitch after forty-five year of such good prayer.
BRIAN KENNY: Aye. But the Devil is a wily one, you cannot deny it.

No, Brian. Indeed, we cannot deny how wily the devil has become. We cannot deny it at all.

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

4 Responses to “Inserting Brian Kenny, Susan Slusser, Ken Rosenthal, and Mike Piazza’s Names Into Works of Literature For Some Reason”

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  1. Mike Green says:

    Piazza would be a natural for The Scarlet Letter. The angst of bleeding dodger blue and being forced to pretend to be an “Angel”.

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  2. Mr. Observant says:

    ‘A’ for anabolic, methinks…

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