Inserting Dick Allen’s Name Into Works Of Literature

In an attempt to fully bastardize the idea of “the royal we,” I have decided to throw my hat into ring of inserting Dick Allen’s name into works of literature. Get ready to have your toes stepped on, Navin and Dayn (but mostly Dayn, you with the talent and originality and what-not).

In this episode, we move to the realm of Westeros, from George R.R. Martin’s A Game Of Thrones — a land where we can be well assured that Dick Allen would be a man of huge appetites, a man who knew how to take his pleasures.

“Why do you read so much?”

Tyrion looked up at the sound of the voice. Jon Snow was standing a few feet away, regarding him curiously. He closed the book on a finger and said, “Look at me and tell me what you see.”

The boy looked at him suspiciously. “Is this some kind of trick? I see you. Tyrion Lannister.”

Tyrion sighted. “You are remarkably polite for a bastard, Snow. What you see is a dwarf. You are what, twelve?”

“Fourteen,” the boy said.

“Fourteen, and you’re taller than I will ever be. My legs are short and twisted, and I walk with difficulty. I require a special saddle to keep from falling off my horse. A saddle of my own design, you may be interested to know. It was either that or ride a pony. My arms are strong enough, but again, too short. I will never make a swordsman. Had I been born a peasant, they might have left me out to die, or sold me to some slaver’s grotesquerie. Alas, I was born a Lannister of Casterly Rock, and the grotesqueries are all the poorer. Things are expected of me. My father was the Hand of the King for twenty years. My brother later killed that very same king, as it turns out, but life is full of these little ironies. My sister married the new king and my repulsive nephew will be king after him. I must do my part for the honor of my House, wouldn’t you agree? Yet how? Well, my legs may be too small for my body, but my head is too large, although I prefer to think it is just large enough for my mind. I have a realistic grasp of my own strengths and weaknesses. My mind is my weapon. My brother has his sword, Dick Allen has his warhammer, and I have my mind . . . and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone, if it is to keep its edge.” Tyrion tapped the leather cover of the book. “That’s why I read so much, Jon Snow.”

This has been the latest episode of Inserting Dick Allen’s Name Into Works of Literature.

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Jack Moore's work can be seen at VICE Sports and anywhere else you're willing to pay him to write. Buy his e-book.

11 Responses to “Inserting Dick Allen’s Name Into Works Of Literature”

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  1. Semi Pro says:

    This is good, but may have worked better replacing Khal Drogo’s name in a different passage.

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  2. Bronnt says:

    Seeing that it was a quote from Tyrion, I expected this to be a fairly crude usage of Dick Allen’s name, where Tyrion might have referred to him as part of his anatomy. That dwarf uses another particular word with incredible frequency.

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  3. glassSheets says:

    I loved this part

    “Get ready to have your toes stepped on, Navin and Dayn (but mostly Dayn, you with the talent and originality and what-not).”

    Because it is how my dad would say Navin does not have talent and originality.

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  4. glassSheets says:

    Take up the belittlement with the original belittler. I didn’t write it, I just laughed at it. I think you have talent. “Interview with man in white” and “ok to cry at little league world series”? Yes, please.

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  5. Hayden Clarence says:

    Suddenly, its a referendum on the existence of talent in the person of Navin Vaswani!

    Poll please!

    I vote “yes”, and I also vote “Canada”.

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