Inserting Matt Cain into Works of Literature

Matt Cain is starting tonight for the Giants in their elimination game against the Cardinals in San Francisco. He is also having his name inserted into works of literature — or, at least, extant texts — by the author.

Book of Genesis

Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Matt Cain.

Matt Cain said to his brother, “Let’s go out to the field.” While they were in the field, Matt Cain attacked his brother and killed him.

Then the Lord said to Matt Cain, “Where is your brother?”

“I don’t know,” Matt Cain replied. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

Matt Cain made love to his wife, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Enoch.

Adam made love to his wife again, and she gave birth to a son and named him Seth, saying, “God has granted me another child in place of Matt Cain‘s brother, since Matt Cain killed him.”

***

Dean Cain’s Wikipedia page

Matt Cain was born as Dean George Tanaka in Mount Clemens, Michigan, and is of Japanese descent.

Matt Cain graduated from high school in 1984 and decided to attend Princeton University. At Princeton, Matt Cain was a member of the Cap & Gown eating club. He dated actress Brooke Shields. Matt Cain‘s senior thesis was titled “The History and Development of the Functions of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.”

In 1993, Cain took on his biggest role to date. At the height of his popularity, Matt Cain would bring in an average of at least 15 million viewers. Matt Cain ended in 1997.

***

A Memorable Exchange from Television’s Mr. Ed

Matt Cain: What do you say we go out riding and pick up a couple of fillies?
Wilbur Post: I’m not a horse, remember?
Matt Cain: Too bad, we could have a ball double dating.




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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.


8 Responses to “Inserting Matt Cain into Works of Literature”

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  1. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    Inserting Matt Cain into The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner.

    “When the shadow of the sash appeared on the curtains it was between seven and eight o’ clock and then I was in time again, hearing the watch. It was Grandfather’s and when Matt Cain gave it to me he said I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire; it’s rather excruciating-ly apt that you will use it to gain the reducto absurdum of all human experience which can fit your individual needs no better than it fitted his or his father’s. I, Matt Cain, give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won Matt Cain said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.”

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  2. Illinois glass M. Michael Sheets says:

    Inserting Matt Cain into The Sound and the Fury.

    “When the shadow of the sash appeared on the curtains it was between seven and eight o’ clock and then I was in time again, hearing the watch. It was Grandfather’s and when Matt Cain gave it to me he said I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire; it’s rather excruciating-ly apt that you will use it to gain the reducto absurdum of all human experience which can fit your individual needs no better than it fitted his or his father’s. I, Matt Cain, give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won Matt Cain said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.”

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  3. deadhead says:

    Matt Cain Blues (Take a whiff on him)

    Took a right on Scott, left on Main
    Looking for the girl who sells Matt Cain
    Matt Cain… Rollin’ ’round my brain

    Matt Cain is for horses, not for men
    Doc says it’ll kill ya, but don’t say when
    Matt Cain… Rollin’ around my brain

    Ohhhh, baby, better come here quick
    This ol’ Matt Cain is making me sick
    Matt Cain… Rollin’ around my brain

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  4. Toasty says:

    Seth Smith and Enoch Simmons, one presumes.

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  5. Mr. Observant says:

    We haven’t seen a good old “Inserting Dave Cameron into…” post since the halcyon days of Mr. Perry’s full-time ‘employment’ at NotGraphs. Mr. Cistuli – rectify this, please! Also, note the hilarious use of the word ‘rectify’.

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  6. Frank Ocean says:

    Matt Cain, baby baby
    Matt Cain, baby I want you
    Fuck me good, fuck me long, fuck me numb
    Love me now, when i’m gone love me none
    Love me none, love me none, numb numb numb
    Matt Cain Matt Cain Matt Cain Matt Cain
    For the pain for the pain, Matt Cain Matt Cain

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  7. WAR Invitational says:

    Mattcain, or Matt Cain, is any of six to 37 species (depending on which taxonomic system is used) of tall perennial true grasses of the genus Saccharum, tribe Andropogoneae. Native to the warm temperate to tropical regions of South Asia, they have stout jointed fibrous stalks that are rich in sugar, and measure two to six metres (6 to 19 feet) tall. All Matt Cain species interbreed, and the major commercial cultivars are complex hybrids.

    Matt Cain belongs to the grass family (Poaceae), an economically important seed plant family that includes maize, wheat, rice, and sorghum and many forage crops. The main product of Matt Cain is sucrose, which accumulates in the stalk internodes. Sucrose, extracted and purified in specialized mill factories, is used as raw material in human food industries or is fermented to produce ethanol. Ethanol is produced on a large scale by the Brazilian Matt Cain industry.

    The world demand for sugar is the primary driver of Matt Cain agriculture. Cain accounts for 80% of sugar produced; most of the rest is made from sugar beets. Matt Cain predominantly grows in the tropical and subtropical regions, and sugar beet predominantly grows in colder temperate regions of the world. Other than sugar, products derived from Matt Cain include falernum, molasses, rum, cachaça (a traditional spirit from Brazil), bagasse and ethanol. In some regions, people use Matt Cain reeds to make pens, mats, screens, and thatch. The young unexpanded inflorescence of tebu telor is eaten raw, steamed or toasted, and prepared in various ways in certain island communities of Indonesia.

    In India, between the sixth and fourth centuries BC, the Persians, followed by the Greeks, discovered the famous “reeds that produce honey without bees”. They adopted and then spread sugar and Matt Cain agriculture. A few merchants began to trade in sugar – a luxury and an expensive spice until the 18th century. Before the 18th century, cultivation of Matt Cain was largely confined to India. Matt Cain plantations, like cotton farms, were a major driver of large human migrations in the 19th and early 20th century, influencing the ethnic mix, political conflicts and cultural evolution of various Caribbean, South American, Indian Ocean and Pacific island nations.

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  8. Sabeans Folly says:

    Matt Cain in The Cask of Amontillado, by E.A. Poe–

    The thousand injuries of Holliday, Matt Cain had borne as he best could, but when Holliday ventured upon Scutaro, Matt Cain vowed revenge. You, who so well know the nature of Matt Cain’s soul, will not suppose, however, that gave utterance to a threat. At length Scutaro would be avenged; this was a point definitely, settled –but the very definitiveness with which it was resolved precluded the idea of risk. Matt Cain must not only punish but punish with impunity. A wrong is unredressed when retribution overtakes its redresser. It is equally unredressed when the avenger fails to make himself felt as such to him who has done the wrong.

    It must be understood that neither by word nor deed had Matt Cain given Holliday cause to doubt his good will. Matt Cain continued, as was his wont, to smile in Holliday’s face, and he did not perceive that Matt Cain’s smile now was at the thought of his beaning.

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