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HIROKI KURODA
Complete game shutout for Kuroda. This definitely means he is over his injury concerns. Well, it probably means that. We don’t actually know. Use him next time out, definitely, unless you have a reason not to.

JOSH HAMILTON
A 3-for-4 day from Hamilton, with a home run. Does this mean he is over his slump? Yes. Yes it does. Unless it doesn’t. Hopefully he can carry this one-game hot streak forward to the next game, and then the game after that.

JARROD PARKER
Parker struggled mightily again. Will he turn it around? He didn’t yesterday. So the signs are pointing in a negative direction. Unless they aren’t. There are other pitchers in the Oakland system, so he should watch out, because one of them may be chosen to start instead of him, at some point. We’re on top of this developing story.

ANIBAL SANCHEZ
Sanchez did it again. He hasn’t permitted more than two runs in any start this season. Will that continue? It might. Will it continue forever? It may. It may not. Is he a pitcher? He is. Can we read box scores? We can.

JUSTIN SMOAK
One-for-three with a double. Any hit for Smoak is something worth noting, as we note every hit by everyone. Does it mean anything? It means his batting average went up. Will it mean anything in the future? It might.

STEPHEN PRYOR
Pryor left Sunday’s game with an injury. He will be evaluated by the people who evaluate those things, and then we will report the news to you, at exactly the same time as everyone else will report that news. Look out for our update, which will come as soon as we have one.

MIKE TROUT
Trout hit his first home run. Will it be his last? Not if other games are like this one. But yes, if other games are like the ones before this one. This will either be the start of something big for Trout, the exception to a disappointing season, or something in between. Thank our investigative reporter for that scintillating analysis.

TIM LINCECUM
Lincecum left the game. Was it because of performance or injury? We’re looking into it. Does anyone have an MLB.TV account we can borrow? Did you know Lincecum’s first name is Tim? This means something for your fantasy team, unless it doesn’t. You should drop Lincecum if there are better players on the free agent list, but you should keep him if there aren’t.

JOHNNY CUETO
Our insiders at the Associated Press are telling us that Johnny Cueto is being placed on the disabled list. Fantasy owners, this means you can put him on your disabled list, if your league has one. He will be back the next time he pitches, and not before that. Will he be fully recovered? You would hope so.

More breaking news and analysis as it happens.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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juan pierres mustache
Member
Member
3 years 2 months ago

too real

Yeager
Guest
Yeager
3 years 2 months ago

And yet I read every single one of them every day…

AlexandertheMeh
Member
AlexandertheMeh
3 years 2 months ago

Thanks for the advice! I just sent grossly unbalanced trade offers for each one of these guys.

asaw780
Member
asaw780
3 years 2 months ago

Lost it at “Does anyone have an MLB.TV account we can borrow?”

Pointless Ponderer
Guest
Pointless Ponderer
3 years 2 months ago

fantastic

Jon L.
Member
3 years 2 months ago

I’m a devout Mormon with two daughters. Would you recommend dropping Cueto in my 9×9 dynasty league and picking up Shelby Miller (still available on the waiver wire), or stashing him in one of my 3 DL slots instead of Reyes, Greinke, or Fujikawa? I should probably add that my wife’s maiden name is Miller.

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