Introducing Jeff Karstens’ New Cologne

Jeff Karstens knows many things. He knows how to throw a fastball. He knows how to operate a door to a hotel room. And Jeff Karstens certainly knows how to conquer women. His sexual exploits are things of yet-to-be-discovered lore. When it comes to the realm of the opposite sex, and the subsequent mounting there-of, Jeff Karstens prefers quantity to quality. You don’t stare at the hearth when you’re poking at the fire, you know?

Now, you too can possess the same prowess once only known to Jeff Karstens. Introducing DERP: A new fragrance for men. (The next section requires, nay, DEMANDS, that you read the italicized words with an internal whisper.)

A fragrance by and for known gallivanters and fornicators.

DERP.

Also works well as a hair tonic.

DERP.

Featuring the essence of animals unknown to our civilization.

DERP.

Can be used to unclog pipes and as emergency lawn mower fuel.

DERP.

May cause internal bleeding.

DERP.

Do not use near open flame or mammals.

DERP.

Creating a scent that is somehow audible.

DERP.

Ladies will come running, though they may not stop when they reach you.

DERP.

 

DERP is can be found at all major truck stops across greater western Pennsylvania, and wherever fine taxidermy is sold.

 

 



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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


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dockmarm
Guest

RIP Pirates.

Dan
Guest
Jason
Guest
Jason

as a pirates fan, and taking the whole season into account…this is the highlight of my season.

Dave Barker
Member

I couldn’t find any DERP at my local taxidermists. Not even the disreputable ones. Might I find DERP at a bait ‘n tackle?

Nathan
Guest
Nathan

Brennan Boesch has to be in on this enterprise, somehow.

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