IPCC: Climate Change “Rajaigenic”


The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change stunned global observers this morning by releasing a bombshell special report, presenting evidence that the rapid warming trend since the twentieth century has been “almost entirely attributable” to Detroit Tigers outfielder Rajai Davis.

The centerpiece of the report was a graph, referred to as a “smoking gun” by independent commentators, that overlaid worldwide average temperatures during the past 1000 years with win probabilities from Monday night’s Tigers-Athletics contest. The striking correspondence between the two datasets was enough to drive an unprecedented consensus among the world’s leading climate scientists.

“We always like to stress that correlation does not equal causation,” said two-time MVP and amateur climatologist Miguel Cabrera. “But correlation this strong is something that we absolutely never see as scientists. It forces you to take notice.” Cabrera added that he and other close associates of Davis had suspected for some time that the leadoff man was “exerting an influence” on atmospheric conditions.

Though some amount of fluctuation in Davis’ performance is natural, the report states, a walk-off grand slam represents an event without precedent in the Earth’s history. Such an event would be more than sufficient to introduce a major imbalance in atmospheric “greenhouse gas” concentrations.

The United Nations is expected to meet soon to discuss potential caps on Davis’ late-game heroics.

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9 Responses to “IPCC: Climate Change “Rajaigenic””

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  1. Prince Fielder says:

    I thought all that greenhouse gas was from my vegetarian diet.

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  2. Skeptic says:

    Actually, the grand slam lags the warming period by about 50 years, which suggests that if the two correlated variables are indeed coupled, that it is the warming that leads to the increase in global temperatures.

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  3. lowcountryjoe says:

    If you look at the data more closely, you’ll find that previous Tigers’ atmospheric conditions have pre-dated Rajai Davis and that they have even fluctuated wildly prior to his acquisition. When the Tigers’ atmospheric conditions go back to their mega trend line or if a regression occurs, will the story be re-written…and will the Tigers’ faithful gobble this re-written **** up as though it’s real fandom? I bet some revenue-sharing g(grant) money that it does!

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  4. Josh B says:

    There’s a reason there’s not a conservative version of Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert, you people are simply not funny.

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    • On what grounds do says:

      You make the assumption that he’s conservative?

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      • Noah Baron says:

        Yeah it seemed to just be comparing the graph of the game with the graph of climate change. Definitely didn’t seem conservative or liberal in tone.

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    • Sean Patrick says:

      I believe you may be confusing satire and absurdist humor. Understanding the difference may be the key to a more fulfilling life.

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    • gnomez says:

      Clearly you’ve never seen Red Eye w Greg Gutfeld.

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