The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change stunned global observers this morning by releasing a bombshell special report, presenting evidence that the rapid warming trend since the twentieth century has been “almost entirely attributable” to Detroit Tigers outfielder Rajai Davis.
The centerpiece of the report was a graph, referred to as a “smoking gun” by independent commentators, that overlaid worldwide average temperatures during the past 1000 years with win probabilities from Monday night’s Tigers-Athletics contest. The striking correspondence between the two datasets was enough to drive an unprecedented consensus among the world’s leading climate scientists.
“We always like to stress that correlation does not equal causation,” said two-time MVP and amateur climatologist Miguel Cabrera. “But correlation this strong is something that we absolutely never see as scientists. It forces you to take notice.” Cabrera added that he and other close associates of Davis had suspected for some time that the leadoff man was “exerting an influence” on atmospheric conditions.
Though some amount of fluctuation in Davis’ performance is natural, the report states, a walk-off grand slam represents an event without precedent in the Earth’s history. Such an event would be more than sufficient to introduce a major imbalance in atmospheric “greenhouse gas” concentrations.
The United Nations is expected to meet soon to discuss potential caps on Davis’ late-game heroics.
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