Item: The Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding

As noted in this space, Banknotes Harper is about business, except on those occasions when he is not about business, and even at those times he is about business.

It follows, then, that Banknotes Harper’s unrelenting business travel schedule requires him to spend every spare moment in the high-level business skies and then arguing forcefully in Tokyo boardrooms, arbitraging on Abu Dhabi trading floors, and — while wearing an Oleg Cassini hardhat — pointing rolled-up architectural documents to indicate various cost-saving-but-against-code structural changes he’d like to see inside a Shanghai factory (“Take that load-bearing beam and have one of your boys make me a cigar-store Indian out of it,” for instance).

As Banknotes Harper will be quick to tell you, there’s no better way to let business know you mean business than by pounding a conference table. “The time for talking has passed,” such a gesture communicates. “Let us now transfer redeemable currencies and deeds of ownership.”

“While I’m interested in having Maroon 5 play the company retreat in Palm Beach, I’m not interested in the rates you just quoted me,” is something else it says.

Dropping a fleshy money hammer on the conference table has been known to send ripples through all market indices in all parts of the world that matter, especially when Banknotes Harper does it.

The problem for the high-ranking global executive is that when he — not she — is, say, attending a groundbreaking ceremony in Seoul or chit-chatting at a $128.6-million-per-plate super-pac fundraiser in international waters, there’s often no pounding-grade conference table to be found. The solution? The Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding!

The Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding

Yes, pictured above at its actual size is the Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding. “Need to cow a recalcitrant regulator while pausing momentarily on the heli-pad?” Endorses Banknotes Harper himself. “This Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding, which folds out to accommodate no fewer than one Business Soup-Bone, will seal the deal. Folded up, it fits in a tailored suit pocket or cigarette case. Fuckers.”

Available through SkyMall.

No More Shitty Business




Print This Post

Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
jr
Guest
jr
3 years 1 month ago

Lord God Cabbage

AG
Guest
AG
3 years 1 month ago

“Pounding” and “conference table” conjures images of winning in the boardroom and the bedroom.

robert herrick
Guest
robert herrick
3 years 1 month ago

I really hope this is chapter 2 of “Business and Fucking: Secrets to Crushing the Competition in the Boardroom and the Bedroom”. Because, for someone who professes to hate MBA lingo, you handle these phrases with Patrick Batemanesque aplomb.

If I have a complaint, though, it’s that “synergy” did not appear once. And I’m quite sure Banknotes Harper understands all sorts of synergies that you or I could never even begin to grasp.

Don Zimmer's jowl sweat
Member
Don Zimmer's jowl sweat
3 years 1 month ago

The success Lenny “Living Large” Dykstra would be now had he developed his own portable conference table.

Danny Knobgobbler
Guest
Danny Knobgobbler
3 years 1 month ago

Fabulous. Give this man a raise, Appelman!

stockhfcrx
Member
Member
stockhfcrx
3 years 1 month ago

Begs the question, what is an appropriate raise from 0.00$?

BronxBomber
Member
BronxBomber
3 years 1 month ago

Any multiple he wants.

MLB Rainmaker
Member
Member
MLB Rainmaker
1 year 7 months ago

10%

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
3 years 1 month ago

Banknotes Harper is hereby ratified as an official NotGraphs category! (pounds The Banknotes Harper Portable Conference Table, For Pounding)

suckamaballs
Guest
suckamaballs
3 years 1 month ago

This is a quality article, and it is my duty to inform you of this, Wayne. Keep up the good work!

Oppo Taco
Guest
Oppo Taco
2 years 11 months ago

Banknotes Harper has no fewer than three fleshy money hammers

wpDiscuz