It’s Been a Good Day for Banknotes Harper

It’s been a good day at the High-Rise Business Building of Banknotes Harper …

Buck Banknotes

At first, it appeared as though the leveraged buyout of the pharmaceutical concern he’d been eyeballing would fall through, but then, as negotiations frayed, Banknotes Harper locked eyes with Larry Ellison, his minority partner, and thundered, “Get your purse.”

Sensing the seriousness of the moment and suspecting no contrivance, the Business Victims and toothless regulators across the conference table — splintered from an unappeasable pounding — promptly surrendered. Seized with Business Terror, they scribbled their beggarly imprimaturs upon stacks of binding documents, each of which was bannered in 36-point Fraktur typeface, “BILL THE FUCK OF SALE.”

Afterward, Banknotes Harper remained standing — there are no chairs here — surveyed the Business Dead, and unspooled his jumbo member onto the catered platters before them. “On this day, I have arbitraged,” thundered Banknotes Harper.

Then he used his portable handheld cordless telephone to call ahead to Morty Constantine’s Hot Steaks, Cocktails and Hot Dinner Rolls, Banknotes Harper’s favorite downtown restaurant. “Steak, rare, hot dog on the side, rolls, another hot dog, scotch, beans, ladle of scotch on top of the food,” he thundered to Herman Crackers, the obliging and tenured maître d’hôtel.

“As you wish, sir,” said Herman Crackers.

“Oh, and Crackers,” thundered Banknotes Harper, “Another scotch and hot dog and beans and steak.”

The staff at Morty Constantine’s Hot Steaks, Cocktails and Hot Dinner Rolls knows that Banknotes Harper prefers to dine while sitting on the aftermarket sliding bench seats of a 1977 Chrysler Cordoba. So they accommodate him.

He also likes that Morty Constantine’s Hot Steaks, Cocktails and Hot Dinner Rolls understands the visual power of price points. For instance, every menu item is priced not at rounded dollars, but rather at 99 cents on top of the next-lowest dollar amount. Banknotes Harper knows that this helps the customer feel that he’s getting a bargain, and gentlemen like bargains.

Just that same day, Banknotes Harper had closed that leveraged buyout by offering not $100,000,000,001, but rather $100,000,000,000.99. Sure, the conference-table pounding, threats of purses, intimidating deep-knee bends and timely pretend Business Telephone Calls helped, but that strategic price point was the difference. You motherfuckers need to know that.

At Morty Constantine’s Hot Steaks, Cocktails and Hot Dinner Rolls, Banknotes Harper sat on the aftermarket sliding bench seats, ate in silence and thought about compounded interest and offshore holdings. Then his business phone with the dry-cell battery rang decisively.

It was Marilu Henner.

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12 Responses to “It’s Been a Good Day for Banknotes Harper”

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  1. Seitz says:

    So can we pre-order Drinking With Banknotes Harper yet?

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  2. Danny Knobgobbler says:

    One gets the feeling that Banknotes Harper likes to cap off such evenings by offering mustache rides to his stable of women. Perhaps Marilu Henner was securing her spot in line.

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  3. Paul Harvey says:

    It was Marilu Henner…and now you know the rest of the story. I’m Paul Harvey, good day!

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  4. bluetuzo says:

    Nothing beats a motivational anecdote from the life of Banknotes. By far the best series of NotGraphs. Pharmaceutical concerns, watch out because here I come…

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  5. ettin says:

    If you ask her today, Marilu Henner remembers every vivid detail of that day down to Banknotes Harpers hot dog.

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  6. John says:

    Thank you.

    I’ve been slowly getting over a nasty, phlegm-rich cold, but I could still feel a giant blob of uck in my chest, which for the life of me, I couldn’t cough up. When I read the line “…unspooled his jumbo member onto the catered platters” I went into a frenzied fit of laughter which turned into a red-faced coughing attack, causing the giant black oyster to fly out of my mouth.

    Would Banknotes Harper be beneficial to TB patients, or kill them?

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  7. Nav says:

    Most of what I’ve learned in life I’ve learned from Banknotes Harper.

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  8. Choo says:

    What is the equivalent of a Dayne Perry game-worn jersey? Because I want one.

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  9. Choo says:

    That would be Dayn Perry, not Ron Dayne Perry.

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  10. bowie says:

    Banknotes Harper vs. Young Charlie Manuel

    Who wins?

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  11. Rogers Hornsby says:

    If I could read, this would be the best article I have ever read.

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