Jacoby Ellsbury Injury Timeline

4/13: Ellsbury injures shoulder in 4th inning of Rays-Red Sox game. “In a lot of pain.” “Felt something move a little bit.” Leaves ballpark for further evaluation.

4/14: Diagnosed with “subluxed shoulder.” Expected to miss a minimum of six weeks. Surgery remains a possibility. “I haven’t heard the word surgery,” says manager Bobby Valentine. “Whatever the best possible care is, that’s what we will give him.” Ellsbury expected to be re-evaluated in a few days.

4/17: Ellsbury’s other shoulder injured en route to his re-evaluation. Expected recovery time for original injury remains six to eight weeks; other shoulder “felt something move a little bit, also seem to be foaming at the mouth.”

4/19: Ellsbury diagnosed with a second subluxed shoulder.

4/27: While recuperating, Ellsbury develops “Mountain Fever,” which is the opposite of “Valley Fever” in that instead of causing decreased strength, it causes increased strength. In attempting to use this increased strength to lift a car, Ellsbury drops the car on his foot. He is diagnosed with a subluxed foot, which isn’t even a real thing until Ellsbury becomes the first person to ever have it. Estimated recovery time: 10-12 weeks.

5/2: Because Ellsbury is the first person to ever have a subluxed foot, the medical world decides to now refer to the condition as “Ellsbury foot.”

5/19: Leaving from a routine checkup on both of his shoulders, his injured foot, and his Mountain Fever, Ellsbury encounters a stray cat, who scratches him. He develops cat-scratch fever, which results in an enlarged spleen. This delays his rehab for two weeks, pushing back his timeline.

6/27: Ellsbury begins baseball activities. Instead of picking up a baseball from the fish tank where he stores his baseballs, he inadvertently grabs a piranha and is bitten on the finger. The finger requires surgery. Estimated recovery time: 8-10 weeks.

7/15: Doctors determine that Ellsbury’s initial subluxed shoulder has not properly healed and will require surgery. Estimated recovery time: 4-6 months.

7/17: Due to a medical mixup, instead of surgery on his subluxed shoulder, Ellsbury is given a complete hysterectomy. The shoulder surgery requires rescheduling for after Ellsbury heals from the mistaken procedure.

8/2: Ellsbury has surgery on his subluxed shoulder. It is termed “a partial success” in that Ellsbury still has a partial arm when he emerges from the operating room. Red Sox officials insist he will still try and return this season, perhaps for the playoffs.

8/7: Upon being released from the hospital, Ellsbury is struck by a taxi cab. While on the ground, he is bitten by a bat, two raccoons, and Bobby Valentine. One of those things somehow infects him with a disabling case of the cooties.

9/2: The Red Sox push back Ellsbury’s timeline but insist he may still be ready for the playoffs. Unfortunately, since the Red Sox are in last place, with a record of 12-126, their playoff hopes are dim.

9/28: Ellsbury announces himself fit to play, at a press conference where a light fixture falls on his head and gives him a concussion.

10/2: Ellsbury announces himself fit to play, at a press conference where a second light fixture falls on his head and gives him an additional concussion.

10/6: Ellsbury announces himself fit to play, at a press conference hastily scheduled at Ellsbury’s request, since he no longer remembers having given the previous two press conferences.

Next April: Ellsbury takes the field on Opening Day, and hits three home runs, before he is struck by lightning in the 8th inning (under a cloudless sky), and then bitten by the shark that had been invited to throw out the first pitch of the Red Sox season. Estimated recovery time: 6-8 weeks.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Obi Wan Jacoby
Obi Wan Jacoby

So I probably shouldn’t draft him in fantasy next year then?