Jeffrey Loria Anvil Flattening Strippers Dancing Celebration

Jeffrey Loria

Last Wednesday, in one of my weaker moments, I asked for your opinion regarding which headline you would be most likely to click on. The winning headline is, of course, above. I regret this decision, as democracy remains a profoundly stupid thing.  As we all remember from last year’s Ron Swanson Hall of Fame debacle, if you want a decision made right, you need an enlightened despot and absolute sovereign to do it.

Nevertheless, I refused to impose my will on you all as I should have, and we devolved into the depraved preferences of the common public. Indeed, let it be forever remembered that the rabble will gladly choose mindless dance competitions populated by familiar, vapid faces,  police procedurals, and (worst of all) The Big Bang Theory over unparalleled genius like Breaking Bad and the first three seasons of Community.

Damn you, the plurality decided they would like to watch a billionaire (a modern day monarch who, by rights, should rule us all if there ever was one) flattened by an blacksmith’s anvil, as strumpets gyrated  in celebration of his bloody and painful death, rather than the exquisite beauty of a perfectly performed nutshot on TJ Simers. You stupid souls would rather see the tragic end of a tone-deaf titan, rather than see a boorish, whiny, ungrateful relief pitcher deservedly cast into a pit of alligators during a picnic.

Well, the 20.5 percent of you who voted enthusiastically to witness wholesale slaughter and titillation will get your wish.  I am a man of my word, having entered myself into a binding social contract to provide you the base entertainment you crave like decadent Romans eager to see early Christians disemboweled in front of you.  Here then. Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?  Very well. Feast your eyes:

OK, fine. That was a little cathartic. Damn you, John Locke. Once again, you’ve bested me. And I need to see those scantily-clad dancing girls again:

Loria 5

(Thanks be to David Temple for the gif’ing assistance. And to Carson, for mocking me throughout my attempts at making one, my hatred for you glows ever hotter.)

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

9 Responses to “Jeffrey Loria Anvil Flattening Strippers Dancing Celebration”

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  1. Dan Rozenson says:

    The fireworks is what does it for me.

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  2. Mr. Observant says:

    Is that a World Series ring on Loria’s finger in the first image or did he digitally impale a baby sea turtle in order to complete his journey into the abyss? And would that would be the same finger he used to sample his home-made kitten masala at the Evil Rich White Fellow’s buffet?

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  3. agam22 says:

    There are a lot of things about that stadium’s design I question, none moreso than the anvils hanging from ropes in its many concourses

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  4. The Rajah says:

    ” Indeed, let it be forever remembered that the rabble will gladly choose mindless dance competitions populated by familiar, vapid faces, police procedurals, and (worst of all) The Big Bang Theory…”

    So true.

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  5. m as in mancy says:

    Ah, a sad reminder of how great Parks once was. I worry the only thing that could save it is recruiting Alison Brie from Greendale to reprise her Annie role as a sweet but ambitious heel to Leslie.

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