Jeremy Blachman’s 10 Bold Predictions for 2013

Fun to read the real ones over at RotoGraphs.

1. Josh Hamilton will defy what seem to be everyone’s lowered expectations in Los Angeles by having an MVP season… and winning the Cy Young Award as well, after the Angels convert him to pitching and slot him into the rotation. Poor Jered Weaver. He didn’t think a bad spring would lead to losing his spot to an outfielder!

2. The Yankees win the division by going EVEN OLDER, with an April trade for left-handed reliever Darren Oliver, a May signing of 1B Eddie Murray, and the return of Bobby Richardson to second base after Robinson Cano opts to undergo season-ending breast augmentation surgery. New/old manager Yogi Berra leads them to their 28th World Series crown.

3. Mike Trout will be this year’s Mike Trout, going back in time to re-create his magical rookie season and give the Angels one more year of pre-arbitration eligibility.

4. Jeremy Hefner: National League Cy Young Award winner, and heir to the Playboy fortune.

5. Chris Davis, following his 2012 victory as a relief pitcher, will save more games this season than Wade Davis. Wade Davis will strike out more batters than the number of times Chris Davis strikes out. Ike Davis will hit more home runs than Wade Davis and Chris Davis combined. Rajai Davis will play more games than Doug Davis.

6. Josh Rutledge will be a top-50 shortstop.

7. Tim Lincecum will end the season with a higher ERA than he starts the season with. He will also end the year with more career strikeouts, more career walks, and fewer career wins, thanks to ongoing litigation about a handful of victories in 2011.

8. Jose Tabata outearns Travis Snider. In salary. Travis Snider, on the other hand, hits 38 home runs and comes in 4th in the NL MVP vote.

9. Chris Archer earns the most value of any Rays starter not named Price, Hellickson, Moore, Cobb, Niemann, Colome, Hernandez, Odorizzi, and Torres.

10. Manny Ramirez, finding success in Taiwan, returns to the major leagues as a starting outfielder for the Cubs. He hits 20 home runs in just over two months, and ends up with a $22 million contract to return next year as the regular DH for the Yankees.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

15 Responses to “Jeremy Blachman’s 10 Bold Predictions for 2013”

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  1. KB says:

    Hey Jack, that’s absolutely true.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Resolution says:

    Bold predictions:

    After being reacquired by the Twins, Johan Santana gives birth to twins.

    Jason Giambi hits more home runs than Ryan Ludwick because fuck you, Ryan Ludwick.

    Jonathan Lucroy gets deported. makes a comeback.

    French-Portuguese singing sensation ‘Firéjoe Morgan’ is involved in a car crash.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Wimpy's Ghost says:

    Some more:

    Ryan Braun will hit .300 with 30 homeruns.

    Yadier Molina will win a Gold Glove.

    Clayton Kershaw will have an ERA under 3.2.

    Adrian Gonzalez will play in more than 120 games.

    Jason Heyward will be a top-5 rightfielder.

    Robinson Cano will be a top-2 second basemen fantasy-wise.

    Evan Longoria will play less than 150 games.

    Miguel Cabrera will be suspected of killing Mike Trout and devouring his soul. He will go on to push Austin Jackson to a corner OF spot and win his first Gold Glove in center.

    Eric Hosmer will have a better 2013 season than 2012 season.

    Josh Hamilton will hit more than 26 homeruns.

    Felix Hernandez will post an ERA under 3.4.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Guy says:

      only 1 of those will be correct.

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      • JayT says:

        It’s the Miggy one, isn’t it?

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        • David says:

          No, I’m pretty sure Hosmer is gonna have a better year this year. His BABIP was highly depressed last year due to a greatly increased GB% than career norms. If his fly ball power stroke returns, not only does that bump up his home run totals, but he will actually gain BA as well…

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  4. DerekJeterGiftBasket says:

    Mike Piazza will come out of the closet, complaining to his wife that he looked and looked but still can’t find that striped red-and-blue tie that he likes.

    +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. I will post comments on NotGraphs whilst legally intoxicated on >12 occasions.

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  6. jon says:

    Ryan Braun will serve only one suspension for PED use (he somehow gets out of his second positive test)

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  7. Urban Shocker says:

    This whole post is awesome.
    I love this though: 6. Josh Rutledge will be a top-50 shortstop.

    Here’s mine: Fangraphs first post on players with stats inflated by BABIP will be before April 19th.

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  8. KB says:

    Micah Owings will take over Bryce Harper’s outfield spot after Harper is caught and fined for drinking beer.

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  9. Greg W. says:

    All Thursday afternoon getaway day games will be settled by a home run derby when tied after the tenth inning.

    The Yankees will place Kevin Youkilis on the 15 day DL for ‘Arthritis acting up’.

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  10. David says:

    Russell Martin will reveal that his real name is Boyd Gordon and he is actually 26 years old.

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  11. Caveman Jones says:

    Of all those predictions, the most unlikely is Manny Ramirez reuniting with Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer. Not over their dead bodies.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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