Jose Abreu Fantasy Report

unicorn

No one knows what to expect from Jose Abreu. Certainly I do not know what to expect from him. Thus, this post is not about his fantasy value, or his fantasy projections. It is merely a fantasy about Jose Abreu.

Jose Abreu will arrive at spring training riding a unicorn.

He will bring pasteles for his teammates, filled with guava paste and cream cheese. They will look at them strangely and throw them in the trash.

He will swing three bats at once. One of them will be carved from the arm of Fidel Castro. Another will be carved from the arm of Raul Castro. The third will be carved from the arm of Juan Castro.

He will hit twelve home runs during spring training.

I will draft him. So will you.

Those are the last twelve home runs he will ever hit.

Because the unicorn will eat him.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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pmreddick
Member
pmreddick
2 years 5 months ago

I had always thought of unicorns as vegetarians.

The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz
2 years 5 months ago

C’mon man, these are fantasy unicorns.

Resolution
Guest
Resolution
2 years 5 months ago

Question- if he eats a unicorn during spring training, do I take him in the first round of my fantasy draft?

eddiegaedel
Member
eddiegaedel
2 years 5 months ago

This is one to keep in mind next year when we are nominating the best Baseball articles of 2014, truly valuable fantasy advice.

Matt
Guest
Matt
2 years 5 months ago

Matt Harvey will make a miraculous comeback, and strike out the side in his first inning. Abreu will lead off the second, facing Harvey throwing 4 pitches at once, just as he did in http://www.fangraphs.com/blogs/matt-harveys-nearly-perfect-outing/

Jose Abreu will swing 4 bats, and hit them all for HR.

It’ll be the world’s first lead-off grand-slam.

JJ
Member
JJ
2 years 5 months ago

How come unicorns are always white?

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