Jose Canseco on Taxes

From two of Jose Canseco’s columns at

The issue is very simple: If you’ve got friends and family, the more money you make the more you spend on them. So let’s say you spend half your money on them and the rest on yourself and the cost of living. It may so happen that during all of that you forget to pay your taxes. And then all of a sudden penalties and interest start to add up, and you’re in a pool of quicksand from which you cannot escape.

When you owe the government—whether it be state or federal—they are relentless when it comes to getting their money back. They institute incredible penalties and interest that almost makes it seem like they want to enslave you.

Let me tell you something: I hate politics. In fact, I’m very anti-politics. I don’t even vote because I think the current US government is involved in the worst form of corruption and legal extortion imaginable.

In my view, the last president who was fully respectable and good for the nation all-around was Abraham Lincoln, and that was a long time ago. Besides unifying the nation and outlawing slavery, he was also great in that movie where he fought all of the vampires and zombies. He is the baddest bad-ass president ever, no doubt. I mean, how can you not like a president who slays vampires? It’s impossible. I think all presidents—and everyone in government, really—should be forced to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It’ll show them how it’s done.

Everything in his column archive is bizarre.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

19 Responses to “Jose Canseco on Taxes”

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  1. stuartjones says:

    I wish we had other presidents in movies.

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    • jon favreau, EP says:

      Here’s the pitch:

      Jefferson battles a fast-mutating phylloxera strain and, while on the road from home, meets and courts a new lab assistant, Sally. It’s Contagion meets Sideways. Set in the mid 1980s Virginia.

      Sean Penn as Jefferson, head of the CDC/NIH/Dept of Ag
      Zoe Saldana as Sally, the comely lab assistant
      Lena Headey as Martha Jefferson, the disconnectedbut powerful wife
      Peter Sarsgaard as Dabney Carr, wealthy head of a large private research institution, but also Jefferson’s drinking buddy
      Alison Brie as Mrs. Carr, cast with an eye towards an R rating

      Directed by David Lynch

      Christmas 2013!

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      • Well-Beered Englishman says:

        Excellent, sir.

        And while it is not strictly presidential, here is my pitch:

        The Freemasons have long held the key to time travel. While on an intermillennial booty-call to meet Cleopatra (Salma Hayek), Benjamin Franklin (John Goodman) discovers that the fluid temporal matrix has been breached by Nazi scientists. Now Hitler (Bruno Ganz) is dispatching an elite squad of SS officers (inc. Thomas Lennon and Ryan Gosling) back in time to assassinate the young FDR and Churchill, and it’s up to Franklin, Cleopatra, and their Freemason friends to save the world.

        With Matthew McConaughey as Stephen F. Austin, Timothy Spall as Winston Churchill, Isla Fisher as Alice Roosevelt, and Buzz Aldrin as himself.

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  2. Denny Lykstra says:

    Here here! Another freedom loving patriot railroaded by the revenuers. Why, Canseco isn’t the thief; the government is. Every year they make us pay income taxes. And for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners, do-nothing nuclear missiles, tomb polish for some unknown soldier?

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  3. Dan says:

    Sadly, his commentary is no worse than anyone else’s.

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  4. uncle remus says:

    i love taxes as much as i love Wins and RBI

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  5. Kyle says:

    I really can’t argue with him about Abraham Lincoln. He nailed it.

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  6. ccoop says:

    He kind of looks like John Mayer in that photo.

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  7. Lichtenstein says:

    Worth made baseball bats??? Or is this a picture of Canseco playing girls high school softball? Based on his haircut, I would say yes!

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  8. MikeS says:

    Was this a submission/application for a job at notgraphs?

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  9. Jack says:

    The best lines from his archived stuff I could find:
    “The reason why I look toward Scientology as an acceptable alternative is because it’s a religion mostly based on science and fact.”
    ” I’d become a vampire in a heartbeat. They’re immortal, they can fly, and they can time-travel…”
    “I first learned the art of time traveling during my first divorce.”
    ” If you can’t control your dreams properly, your cuddly kitten or loyal dog could turn into a wolf—or if you’re really unlucky a werewolf—and start attacking you.”
    “Why do most girls have their first period before they’re 13?”

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  10. Gary says:

    Maybe Canseco’s entire post-baseball career is performance art. The next Andy Kaufman right under our noses and we reward him with neither jot nor tittle of comprehension or appreciation.

    Doubtless the next few generations of fine arts graduate students will be writing dissertations about this dude, e.g., “Hermetic Metanarratives in the Collected Works of Jose Canseco and Joe Don Looney.”

    If he should ever drop his mask [“personality is persona, a mask” Norman O Brown] it would not surprise me to hear him say something like: “it was late September. The count was three and o. I was staring toward the third base coach. When the take sign came up all of a sudden I comprehended semiotics.”

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  11. JRM says:

    This looks like it’s ghosted to make Canseco look insane and hazardous. It’s not a far trip from there to think of people who write absurdist humor, sometimes as Anonymous Lawyer.


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