Jose Canseco on Taxes

From two of Jose Canseco’s columns at Vice.com:

The issue is very simple: If you’ve got friends and family, the more money you make the more you spend on them. So let’s say you spend half your money on them and the rest on yourself and the cost of living. It may so happen that during all of that you forget to pay your taxes. And then all of a sudden penalties and interest start to add up, and you’re in a pool of quicksand from which you cannot escape.

When you owe the government—whether it be state or federal—they are relentless when it comes to getting their money back. They institute incredible penalties and interest that almost makes it seem like they want to enslave you.

Let me tell you something: I hate politics. In fact, I’m very anti-politics. I don’t even vote because I think the current US government is involved in the worst form of corruption and legal extortion imaginable.

In my view, the last president who was fully respectable and good for the nation all-around was Abraham Lincoln, and that was a long time ago. Besides unifying the nation and outlawing slavery, he was also great in that movie where he fought all of the vampires and zombies. He is the baddest bad-ass president ever, no doubt. I mean, how can you not like a president who slays vampires? It’s impossible. I think all presidents—and everyone in government, really—should be forced to see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It’ll show them how it’s done.

Everything in his column archive is bizarre.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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stuartjones
Member
stuartjones
3 years 11 months ago

I wish we had other presidents in movies.

jon favreau, EP
Guest
jon favreau, EP
3 years 11 months ago

Here’s the pitch:

Jefferson battles a fast-mutating phylloxera strain and, while on the road from home, meets and courts a new lab assistant, Sally. It’s Contagion meets Sideways. Set in the mid 1980s Virginia.

Starring:
Sean Penn as Jefferson, head of the CDC/NIH/Dept of Ag
Zoe Saldana as Sally, the comely lab assistant
Lena Headey as Martha Jefferson, the disconnectedbut powerful wife
Peter Sarsgaard as Dabney Carr, wealthy head of a large private research institution, but also Jefferson’s drinking buddy
Alison Brie as Mrs. Carr, cast with an eye towards an R rating

Directed by David Lynch

Christmas 2013!

Well-Beered Englishman
Guest
Well-Beered Englishman
3 years 11 months ago

Excellent, sir.

And while it is not strictly presidential, here is my pitch:

The Freemasons have long held the key to time travel. While on an intermillennial booty-call to meet Cleopatra (Salma Hayek), Benjamin Franklin (John Goodman) discovers that the fluid temporal matrix has been breached by Nazi scientists. Now Hitler (Bruno Ganz) is dispatching an elite squad of SS officers (inc. Thomas Lennon and Ryan Gosling) back in time to assassinate the young FDR and Churchill, and it’s up to Franklin, Cleopatra, and their Freemason friends to save the world.

With Matthew McConaughey as Stephen F. Austin, Timothy Spall as Winston Churchill, Isla Fisher as Alice Roosevelt, and Buzz Aldrin as himself.

My echo and bunnymen
Guest
3 years 11 months ago

You had me at Buzz Aldrin as himself.

Denny Lykstra
Guest
Denny Lykstra
3 years 11 months ago

Here here! Another freedom loving patriot railroaded by the revenuers. Why, Canseco isn’t the thief; the government is. Every year they make us pay income taxes. And for what? Aid to ungrateful foreigners, do-nothing nuclear missiles, tomb polish for some unknown soldier?

Dan
Guest
Dan
3 years 11 months ago

Sadly, his commentary is no worse than anyone else’s.

Sabermetric Solutions
Member
Sabermetric Solutions
3 years 11 months ago

How has Canseco not gotten a job on NotGraphs yet? He’s only a little crazy…

uncle remus
Guest
uncle remus
3 years 11 months ago

i love taxes as much as i love Wins and RBI

Kyle
Member
3 years 11 months ago

I really can’t argue with him about Abraham Lincoln. He nailed it.

ccoop
Guest
ccoop
3 years 11 months ago

He kind of looks like John Mayer in that photo.

jrogers
Member
jrogers
3 years 11 months ago

Come to think of it, I’ve never seen the two in the same place at the same time… hmmm….

Lichtenstein
Guest
Lichtenstein
3 years 11 months ago

Worth made baseball bats??? Or is this a picture of Canseco playing girls high school softball? Based on his haircut, I would say yes!

MikeS
Guest
MikeS
3 years 11 months ago

Was this a submission/application for a job at notgraphs?

Jack
Guest
Jack
3 years 11 months ago

The best lines from his archived stuff I could find:
“The reason why I look toward Scientology as an acceptable alternative is because it’s a religion mostly based on science and fact.”
” I’d become a vampire in a heartbeat. They’re immortal, they can fly, and they can time-travel…”
“I first learned the art of time traveling during my first divorce.”
” If you can’t control your dreams properly, your cuddly kitten or loyal dog could turn into a wolf—or if you’re really unlucky a werewolf—and start attacking you.”
“Why do most girls have their first period before they’re 13?”

shibboleth
Guest
shibboleth
3 years 11 months ago

Are those… are those actual quotes? I haven’t the courage to poke around myself.

Jack
Guest
Jack
3 years 11 months ago

Yes they actually are. Its frightening that anyone gave this man millions of dollars.

drewcorb
Member
drewcorb
3 years 11 months ago

“It may so happen that during all of that you forget to pay your taxes.”

Gary
Guest
Gary
3 years 11 months ago

Maybe Canseco’s entire post-baseball career is performance art. The next Andy Kaufman right under our noses and we reward him with neither jot nor tittle of comprehension or appreciation.

Doubtless the next few generations of fine arts graduate students will be writing dissertations about this dude, e.g., “Hermetic Metanarratives in the Collected Works of Jose Canseco and Joe Don Looney.”

If he should ever drop his mask [“personality is persona, a mask” Norman O Brown] it would not surprise me to hear him say something like: “it was late September. The count was three and o. I was staring toward the third base coach. When the take sign came up all of a sudden I comprehended semiotics.”

JRM
Guest
JRM
3 years 11 months ago

This looks like it’s ghosted to make Canseco look insane and hazardous. It’s not a far trip from there to think of people who write absurdist humor, sometimes as Anonymous Lawyer.

STOP PLUGGING YOUR OUTSIDE WORK HERE, BLACHMAN. The Daves will be mad.

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