Jose Reyes Does Not Want To Be Your Friend

You may not be aware that world famous singer, wrapper, and sous chef Jose Reyes also is a shortstop of great quality and is currently unemployed, all alone, and looking for a new club that can help him mend his aching hamstring and make him whole again.  But while he does need a new team, one thing Jose Reyes says he does not need is your friendship.

Indeed, Jose Reyes doesn’t make friends, as he explains while rapping with some passing acquaintances he just happened upon, and for whom he has little regard and almost no emotional investment:

Methinks Jose doth protest too much. Obviously, he’s filling his life with pool tables, ostentatious jewelry, white sports cars, and three-wheeled contraptions to compensate for his lack of true friends.  And whipping donuts in the cul-de-sac is classic attention-seeking behavior.  so, just for a minute, I want to talk to Jose.

Hi Jose.  I know it’s tough being out there without a team right now.  You feel like you don’t have any friends. But you’ll make new friends soon.  I suggest following the advice of Dale Carnegie in his seminal book, How to Win Friends and Influence People:

1) Become genuinely interested in other people.
2) Smile.
3) Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5) Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
6) Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.

Sure, you want to know how much the Marlins would pay you, but how about asking how they feel about their new stadium.  Ask to see their new uniforms.  Maybe see if Brian Sabean and the Giants can teach you how to play shuffleboard before talking about how many years they might offer. And make sure you tell the Brewers how committed you are to bringing a World Series to Milwaukee.  It’s not all about you, Jose.  Follow these suggestions, and you’ll find new friends in no time.  Friends who will ice your hammies and pay you $18 million a year.

(taciturn, acknowledging head-nod to Craig Calcaterra and the Hardball Talk killas)

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Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for MLB Daily Dish on SB Nation. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

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A Washington
A Washington

tl; dr?