Keep Cistulli Out! Another NotGraphs Abuse Of The Democratic Process (Updated)

I have, to varying degrees, taken to poo-pooing the democratic process on this site over the last two years. My point, to the extent I have one, is not that we should heavily invest additional power in the hands of those that already have so much, as it is that the majority generally sucks and really likes to do shitty things to the minority.

Nevertheless, there is a benefit to living in a country that encourages its lowly plebs to participate in the governmental process, and that is that we can make our voices heard. We can build consensus, and with a strong voice we can tell our leaders, in no uncertain terms, how to make this country stronger, better, and more fair.

To this end, I ask you to please get involved with a project that is very close to my heart. This summer, NotGraphs “editor” and general ne’er-do-well Carson Cistulli voluntarily left this country of his own free will and moved his entire life (which fit into two sensibly-sized suitcases, from what I understand) to the Paris, Texas of France, Paris, France. In the days since his ouster, America has learned to hope again. Now, Carson Cistulli wants to come back.

This ragamuffin of a man and all-around dirty person believes that, just because he has a passport and is a legal U.S. citizen, he should be allowed to again traipse his muddy feet across America’s fine white carpets, which we just got done cleaning. He wants to drag his whimsy and his obscure references and his drinking problem back to our doorstep, and he expects to be let in.

Well, America, don’t let him. “How can I, a single person, do anything to stop this juggernaut?” you ask. I am glad that you asked that, person I just made up in my brain. I have helpfully wasted your tax dollars and irresponsibly taken advantage of our government’s poor decision to allow any idiot to petition his elected representatives on White, to encourage the President, the State Department, and the Department of Defense to keep Carson Cistulli off of American soil. He is France’s problem now, and so should he remain forever:

“Carson Cistulli is an American citizen living abroad who wishes to re-enter the United States. We, the people who have read his work on Fangraphs and Notgraphs, and who have met him in person, stress that, in no uncertain terms, he should not be allowed back into the country. Not only is Carson insufferably iconoclastic, but he is shabby and is not fit rub elbows with God-fearing, decent Americans. Cistulli’s presence will only undermine American democracy, and lead ever further to this nation’s moral decay. We, the undersigned, encourage you to deny him entrance, make him go back to France where he belongs, and if possible, to rip up his passport before his very eyes.”

If you agree, and I am certain you do, please take a moment to sign the petition. We have less than a month to garner the 100,000 signatures necessary to force our government to respond. If they’re just going to give us this power, truly we would be fools if we did not abuse it. And I cannot think of a better cause than to keep our country free of Cistulli’s rotten influence (and smell).

Update: Somehow, my friends, the oppressive right mouse-click of this government has been turned against us, perhaps due to some shady backroom dealing on the part of one Carson J. Cistulli. Our petition to have him denied access to these amber waves of grain and purple mountains majesty has been removed from White for allegedly being “in violation of the We the People terms of participation.” Clearly, the vested interests and the powers that be fear the winds of change that a mighty people, united by the prospect of keeping Cistulli from rejoining them, could eventually provide once I mobilized them and inevitably turned that movement to my own selfish ends and made an ill-fated grab for the reins of power. To those petty bureaucrats in our government–and it is OUR government for WE are the PEOPLE–who would deny the will of America and the sweeping tide of history, I say this: You have won this battle. But the fight is long from finished.


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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

13 Responses to “Keep Cistulli Out! Another NotGraphs Abuse Of The Democratic Process (Updated)”

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  1. Jaack says:

    I don’t think we can trust the democratic system in this case. To arms, men!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. A. Lane says:

    I believe his return should be conditioned upon the completion of an expedition, in the spirit of de Tocqueville, to expose the soft tyranny that now pervades our American lives.

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  3. tz says:

    I really hope France hasn’t taken a cue from Biebergate and begun deportation proceedings against him. That would potentially put Cistulli in an endless loop between Elba and Ellis Island, never to set foot on soil again.


    +8 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Byrne says:

    Signed. This country definitely needs far fewer Death Cab For Cutie fans.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Henri d'Orléans, Count of Paris says:

    This is the second Cistulli-related gov petition and also the second one to mention his odor. Take the hint, Mr Cistulli, and use a product that will spray a man out of you yet.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. thecodygriffin says:

    What the hell is up with his desktop – both of them? I have never seen such disorganization before.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • dw8 says:

      I can’t believe that I’m about to do this but, in defense of Cistulli, that is a commuter college radio station desktop, not his own.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. jcxy says:

    74 drafts!? Yikes

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. Scaredy says:

    Wh…What if we actually get 10,000 petitions and the government actually does rescind his passport visa?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Chris K says:

    It’s telling that the author apparently was streaming “almost human” at the time he received the email. Presumably, researching another hit piece on Cistulli.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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