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Limitations of the Mustache/Spectacles Package Deal

Posted By Mike Bates On October 27, 2011 @ 9:30 am In Great Moments in Spectacles,Mustache Watch,Wisdom | 4 Comments

We believe, and by we I mean right-thinking North Americans, that mustaches and spectacles are inherently good. Indeed, one Dayn Perry scours the Internet day and night searching for the finest in spectacle- and mustache-related content. He has made NotGraphs your one-stop shop for spectacles, mustaches, and spectacles plus mustaches. Veritably, this site is the world’s foremost authority on spectacles and mustaches.

But, alas, I am here as the cold shower to your clearly aroused state, regarding said facial accoutrements.  As my dear grandmother likes to remind me when I steal her prescription medications, too much of a good thing is bad for you. To wit, I ask…nay, demand…you behold the evolution of one Kenneth Allen Phelps:


As you can see, with a more manageable spectacle/mustache package deal, Ken Phelps proved to be an incredibly effective hitter, mashing 105 homeruns for the Mariners and putting up a .249/.392/.521 line. Alas, as he slowly let his mustache and spectacles come to dominate his facial area, Phelps lost his ability to hit. In his final season, a slave to the will of his mustache and spectacles, Phelps hit just .150/.280/.192. He was asked not to play the baseball again.

Ken Phelps serves as a warning to all of those fashionable young men in the Major Leagues today. Be the master of your own mustaches and spectacles. Do not allow them to master you. For their needs are great, and will consume your talents as they grow larger and more amusing. Please, no one wants to wind up with this as their last Strat-o-Matic card, gloriously sparse though it is (click to embiggen):


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