Kitchenware and Baseball Players: Possibly Similar!

Kitchenware and baseball players. They’re the same! The same exact thing. This morning I fried bacon on Brian McCann’s hot head (get it? because he did that angry thing!)! I’m just joshing, you guys. *snort* They’re not the exact same, but because humans are capable of abstracting the properties of objects and object-groups we can write silly internet stuff about how “this is like that” and “this other thing is like that other thing!” How fun is it to make those connections? HOW FUN IS IT. *throat noise* 

Ovens=Pitchers
Ovens are like Pitchers! You need your oven to both “handle the heat” and “bring the heat.” Just like a human baseball pitcher person! Plus you’re always entrusting your oven with the most important stuff, like cake. And if they suck you can always just give up on the first one and use your microwave oven. (That’s a relief pitcher!) Not that anyone microwaves cake. Whatever!

Catchers are Frying Pans!
Because they take a beating! They’re getting flamed from below and sizzled from above. You need them for every meal, even if it’s just to melt some butter to pour over noodles that you’ll eat alone while watching House of Cards. And just like the Teflon surface of your pans, catchers tend to break down sooner than other appliances/players/parallels!

1st Basemen are like Strainers
The job of a 1st baseman is to catch stuff, primarily. But because they’re Prince Fielder sometimes, it means they definitely don’t catch everything. WHICH IS JUST LIKE A STRAINER!

2nd Base is a French Pressdisgustingfrenchpress
I think of second base as the low-capacity, slightly fancier, but less reliable version of a shortstop (or do I? am I lying to you about my opinions so I can write a thing? yesmaybe!). Since you’ll soon see that I think of shortstops as drip coffee makers, this should make sense later, sort of. Here’s a picture of my stupid broken french press that I taped up so I could keep using it to appease my addiction:

SS (SURPRISE!*) is a Drip Coffee Maker
They’re the energy of the defense, always coming through in the biggest way, making the biggest plays and creating large, brown stains. POW! They’re an American staple, and even though some people have a Mr. Coffee (Asdrubal Cabrera) and others have something fancier (Andrelton Simmons) we all rely on our daily dose of shortstop. Or coffee. Or whatever.

*not a surpise

I’m equating thirdbasemen with blenders in this one
Because they come in a wide range. One version is horrible and breaks and spills your smoothie all over your counter and the other is a nice food processer. Like one is Miguel Cabrera and one is Adrian Beltre in his prime. get it ok good.

LF and RF are Spatulas
RF is the flippy turny spatula that grabs food and skillfully manipulates it with their powerful throwing arms and LF is the spatula that scrapes up crap from the side of bowls because they didn’t have the range to catch the cake dough before it bounced into the corner and the runner scored from first.

CF is a Fridge
The fridge is the keystone of the defense. It tracks down leftovers and perishables and covers the field that spatulas cannot. You might see a fridge make a spectacular diving play to make the final out, or it might simply hold your milk til you drink it. Sometimes a potential home run hit by, say, a strainer, will be caught at the wall by a fridge, and thrown back to the oven. My ability to separate kitchenware from baseball players is completely eroded.



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Zach is an egregious malcontent whose life goal is to literally become the London Tube. @itszachreynolds.


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The Return of Rambo Diaz
Guest
The Return of Rambo Diaz

You are the master of the humorously-placed exclamation point, Zach Reynolds. Also, I believe I did call it the French Press when I made it to 2nd Base at that party in 10th Grade.

WILLIAM MOTHERFUCKING PERRY
Guest
WILLIAM MOTHERFUCKING PERRY

DAS RIGHT I MAKE THE DIVING DEFENSIVE PLAYS IN CENTERFIELD.

RC
Guest
RC

Pitchers are pitchers. Because, you know…..pitchers.

Ben Suissa
Member
Ben Suissa

Designated Hitters = Toaster Ovens.

Pretty useful to have, but only one half will use one. The other half just uses the Oven (pitcher!)

Wes
Guest
Wes

Not a huge feat, but you are smarter than I’ll ever be.

Whoops
Guest
Whoops

Very spoken

marc
Guest
marc

The definitive baseball-to-kitchenware article used specific players, which adds layers of nuance. Abstraction is great, but I just have a hard time seeing Buster Posey as a frying pan. Miguel Cabrera-as-1B is not a strainer.

Mike
Guest
Mike

“You need them for every meal, even if it’s just to melt some butter to pour over noodles that you’ll eat alone while watching House of Cards.”

Stop watching me through my windows, Goddammit!

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