With one of my spawn poised to return to the daily care of the nanny state, by which I am referring his elementary school, on Tuesday next, I will have the opportunity to impart important lessons to him to keep him on the narrow, treacherous path to successfully complete the first grade, and thereby bring honor to his family by academically outstripping Dayn Perry, the chosen son of the South.
Among those lessons will be:
1) Straighten up and fly right.
2) Zip up your fly, dammit.
3) Play to win.
4) Don’t judge a book by its cover. Also read the liner notes.
5) Take that finger from out thy nose.
6) Shower, or you’ll look and smell like a dirty Frenchman, like your Uncle Carson.
7) No backsassin’ yer teachers.
8) Pick a fight on the first day with the weakest boy you can find until the guards pull you off of him. You’ll be in solitary for a while, but when you get out, nobody will mess with you because they’ll think you’re a little bit crazy and capable of anything.
9) You should learn computers.
Finally, perhaps the most important lesson comes to he and I from Brewers first baseman and outfielder Corey Hart, who has been sadly sidelined by knee problems for the entire 2013 season:
Be cool! Stay in school: Prepare yourself for every day by completing your homework and getting enough sleep.
A great lesson for all youngsters, even if it comes from an imperfect teacher and smacks of “do what I say, not what I do.” Hart, you see, was drafted out of high school in June of 2000. Apparently, you only need to stay in school if you’re not an elite-caliber athlete, which, given his genetics, The Boy should not be holding out hope for. Also, that reminds me that I probably shouldn’t have dropped out of grad school before getting a PhD. Alas and alack.
Feel free to provide additional advice for the weary pilgrims journeying back to school in the usual place.
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