Line-Up For Today

With my sincere apologies to the wonderful Ogden Nash.

Line Up For Today:

A is for Alonso
That’s “Yonder Alonso” to you
Truth, truest, or true?

B is for Braun,
Whose pee was mishandle’,
Pissing off M.L.B.,
The stupidest scandal.

C is for Cespedes,
A slugger from overshore,
We don’t know how he’ll hit,
But he does love Star Wars.

D is for Dickey,
A favorite of many,
Who value climbing mountains,
Over striking out any.

E is for Ethier,
Whose slugging was down.
But I heard on the street,
That this year he will pound.

F is for Fangraphs,
“We’re all going dateless,”
‘cause I put every prospect,
On a weighted + ranked list.

G is for Giancarlo,
Who used to be Mike,
Don’t call him Mike,
His name isn’t Mike.

H is for Houston,
Go ahead, laugh.
I still have hope in my heart…
Mike Fast’s on our staff.

I is for Inge,
In danger of starting,
I, for one, heard,
he’s in danger of [removed by administrator]

J is for Jose,
Canseco wants to play,
He has a “hug for u,”
if you let him have his way.

K is for Kemp and also for Kershaw
Certainly two of the best that we know,
But worth 1 billion each?
Magic: The Gathering thinks so.

L is for Lee,
Carlos or Cliff?
One will strike you out,
El Caballo will whiff.

M is for Miami,
Their stadium is new,
There’s an aquarium behind the plate,
What’s next, a Rays zoo?

N is for Nyjer,
“Dionysus with Rabies,”
Also known as Tony Plush,
Impossible to hate-ys.

O is for Ottoneu,
A fantasy league for those,
who in other leagues,
are known as “those who knows”

P is for Posey,
We’re so glad you’re back!
But please don’t block the plate again,
Or Wendy Thurm will wear black.

Q is for Quentin,
Hit by tons of pitches.
One has to wonder,
is it all coincidences?

R is for Ramirezs,
Manny most of all.
I know that he’s not perfect,
But he loves baseball.

S is for Selig,
Mr. Commissioner, we’re through.
You moved the Astros to the AL.
Extortion? You bet you.

T is for Thornton
Is he the White Sox closer?
My home draft is tonight, so,
Let me know before it’s over.

U is for UZR,
A metric for defense,
I’ll try to explain it to you, dad,
But I doubt it will make sense.

V is for Vin Scully,
The best that we have known.
A man for who helps make baseball,
a better word for home.

W is for Wilson,
He’s funny, I guess.
But advice to him would have to be:
just give your shtick a rest

X is in aXford,
Who we hope never shaves.
But with stache or without,
He’ll get you some saves.

Y is for Yu,
And the 10,000 puns,
We’ll be enduring for years,
In exchange for no runs.

Z is for Ziegler,
Does your league count holds?
It’s annoying, right?
But this guy isn’t, he’s golds.

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Summer Anne Burton is a writer and illustrator living in Austin, Texas. She is drawing pictures of Every Hall of Famer.

9 Responses to “Line-Up For Today”

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  1. ichabod says:

    Ah Ogden Nash. The best baseball poet ever.

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  2. therood says:

    Summer was clearly paying more attention than English class than I. This is a truly inspired work.

    Pardoning the [non-existent] meter and poor punctuation, this is the best I could muster:

    Maybe I hadn’t had enough Fisk-themed Coors when I wrote it.

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  3. Molitor says:

    In a far away time And a far away place
    There stood groups of men
    With pennants to chase
    With spectacular power
    And incredible might
    They would single past third or
    Double to right

    The players today
    Still majestic and grand
    Bring in the money
    They bring in the fans
    But now most of them
    Strikeout in the ninth
    Where is the player
    Who doubled to right?

    I wish they would stop
    And think back to those days
    With the Williams’, the Brocks’ The Ruths’, and the Mays’
    As I watch all the games
    On cable each night I long for the player
    Who doubled to right

    Consistency now is
    A thing of the past
    They all pull down millions
    And still finish last
    And now that they play Games in Wrigley at night
    There’s no single past third
    And no double to right

    Ever since I was born It’s all been this way
    With “Talk to my agent” Instead of “Say Hey!”
    So I yearn for the game In which there is the sight
    Of a single past third
    Or a double to right

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  4. Chike says:

    Well done. Any time you combine baseball and poetry with commentary on Magic the Gathering price inflation(!), you’re doing well.

    /salute. Nerd recognize nerd.

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  5. Berttrum says:

    Cespedes loves star wars? Is that true? IS IT?!

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  6. bstar says:

    Inspired work, SAB.

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  7. Really enjoyed reading this, SAB. Thanks.

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  8. dborghardt6 says:

    That was beautiful!

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