List: Top Five Would-Be Color Analysts

Ha! Alf kills you.

Apart from some notable exceptions, the quality of commentary on baseballing broadcasts leaves something to be desired — in particular for the handsome and bespectacled sort who’ve made NotGraphs part of their (a) lives and (b) RSS feeds.

Below are five candidates to fill whatever color vacancies are currently open around baseball — or are likely to become open in the near future.

5. ALF, from TV’s ALF
You know what would really annoy Willie? Were ALF to secure gainful employment, delighting home audiences all over the greater Los Angeles area — even as Willie continued to insist (impotently) that ALF was a slovenly and freeloading houseguest.

4. The Author’s 10th Grade English Teacher, Walter McCloskey
Mr. McCloskey is from New Orleans and has a voice that sounds like two sticks of butter making sexy, candlelit love to one another. Also, he wrote a mostly erotic novel one time.

3. The Re-Animated Corpse of Oscar Wilde
“There are two out in the inning, and one ‘out’ in the booth here… Which, I’m gay, is what I mean. Was that clear?… Ugh, alright. Not my best material, I admit… On the other hand, I’m a fucking corpse, you guys.”

2. NotGraphs Contributor Dayn Perry
According to my records here, no one has ever broadcasted a game from the middle of Internet Street, wearing only Wranglers and an icy, determined expression. Or, I should say, no one has yet.

1. Some Combination of Dave King (dak), Michael Schur (Ken Tremendous), and Alan Yang (Junior)
This is the part of the post where I make a legitimate suggestion. This triumvirate are all talented writers of dialogue, at least, and have a working knowledge of sabermetric concepts. Which, those seem to be promising ingredients.

Print This Post

Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

10 Responses to “List: Top Five Would-Be Color Analysts”

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
  1. Mr. Perry’s ham bones are too large for one television to contain.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Danny Knobgobbler says:

    It would be quality television to hear Dayn Perry one-up Hawk Harrelson by referring to Joe West, for example, as an arch-moron and suggest that he be tossed into a cauldron of boiling oil.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. deadhead says:

    I can’t believe ALF ranked only fifth! This is the most bull shit power ranking of would be color analysts ever. On a side note, look up the actor that played Willie’s antics involving drugs and prostitution around the turn of the century, it would seem he may have the makings of a fine color man (not colored man).

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Mr. Observant says:

      Agreed. Do you think that Alf ever gave it to Kate Tanner? By which I mean took her up to the broom closet, showed her his Gordon Shumway and just took her Melmac style?

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Mr. Observant says:


    Put THAT in your Hot Internet Linkage and smoke it, Mister.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Smooth says:

    Oh, I got one!!! Flavor Flav.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. GotHeem says:

    Please please please please get everyone from FMJ to broadcast games. I might die

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. AnthonyRizzo_jackass says:

    Bonus donkey noise!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>