I’ve been a married gentleman longer than I care to remember. My ankles were ensnared long ago by my metaphorical ball and chain, to whom I am destined and legally obligated to love.
But this in no way means that I do not remember the life of a gallivanting bachelor. Vivid are my recollections of “cruising for chicks,” if you will. These were, indeed, dark times. It is within our human nature to find a companion, someone with which to share our greatest accomplishments and most demoralizing defeats. We yearn for a person of substance, a person with whom we can connect on a higher plane of consciousness. This proves to be a difficult task. I speak not only of the prototypical shut-ins and nonentities. There are people out there of a presumably-normal intelligence and hygiene level that need to make this connection. Some of them are baseball fans.
I took to the Missed Connections section of Craigslist in search of stories from such people. I searched in every city that hosts a major-league stadium, and have hand-picked the most heart-wrenching stories of love found and subsequently lost. I submit them to you, fair NotGraphs reader. I give you permission to weep.
For reasons unknown, my first searches were in the Tampa Bay area of Florida. Perhaps I thought the juiciest stories would come from this nation’s craziest state. What I found, however, were not juicy stories, but lackluster — and frankly lazy — attempts to rekindle what I can only imagine were tepid-at-best relationships to begin with. You told her a joke? That’s your most memorable interaction? I want lust! I want romance! I tell jokes all the time, and you don’t see me taking to Craigslist to brag about it. You can’t miss a connection that never happened in the first place, SIR.
I’m not entirely convinced this woman isn’t related to the man from the last post. They certainly share an affinity for innocuous and nondescript interactions with potential suitors at baseball games. If this is a missed connection, then I miss about 1,000 connections a day at my place of business. (Full disclosure: I’m an elevator operator) Time to look elsewhere.
That’s what I’m talking about! This one has everything; description, desperation, and what appears to be an attempt at tax evasion. Did this gentleman ever find his bespectacled soul mate? And exactly how much cuter was she without her glasses? Is it a modest amount, or are we talking about a full-on She’s All That situation?
Look, Red Sox Nation. I know things aren’t going great for you right now. Your team is struggling. They just traded one of their most beloved players. Your GM took off for Chicago. But adultery? Three-way adultery? You’re better than this, frankly. Looking for solace in the arms of a pair of gentleman will not heal your wounds. Don’t throw away what’s left of your crappy marriage for a cheap thrill. There’s always next year.
This disheartens me. If I have to read one more of these classic boy meets boy, boy gives boy puppy, boy ********s boy in a baseball stadium, boy struggles to name puppy stories, I’ll lose all faith in humanity. If these two kids can’t make it, how much hope can the rest of us have?
This connection wasn’t missed at an actual baseball game, but we find another Cardinals fan looking for love. Since this encounter didn’t work out, I would suggest he buy a ticket to a game and continue his quest there among the best fans in baseball. I would also suggest bringing a puppy.
The last correspondence I bring you is from my home town of Minneapolis. My fair city does indeed possess a great amount of beautiful women, but I feel this man’s attempt to cast such a wide net is lacking some foresight. Mid-Western women need to be courted a little. Show them you care about them as an individual. Praise them for their ideas and dreams, not their choice of shorts. Find one — I repeat, ONE — special lady you have a fondness for and work from there. If it doesn’t work out, so be it. There are (apparently) many fish in the Target Field sea. Though, if you wish to find a meaningful relationship with a true baseball fan, I’d suggest remembering exactly how many innings a baseball game took to complete. Wowzah, indeed.
I hope that by some act of serendipity, some of these jilted lovers find their way to this post. I want them to know that not all is lost. There is love to be found amongst baseball fans. They need but to keep looking. If for no other reason, it will give me more material for future articles.