Lover, Not Fighter: Dennis Martinez
One night in 1977, Dennis Martinez was confronted by a decision: fight or go make love somewhere …
When faced with an onrushing and plainly nettled George Scott, a gentleman scampers. “A hasty retreat is what he beat,” Vin Scully might have said if he’d been calling the game. But probably not.
Martinez, it should be noted, lived to feel the breeze on his loins for another many days. Scott, it should be noted, is to this day still being restrained by Martinez’s long-retired teammates among the ruins of Memorial Stadium.
Readers — no fewer than one of them — not long ago sounded the call, clarion in nature and execution, for more classic brawls. So it is with the sense of agency that comes from satisfying a customer that I introduce the new NotGraphs category: “Classic Fu*king Brawls.”
Sir, all of our figurative and literal hats are doffed to you, Three swigs of fine port to the success of this endeavor!
Just another step on the road to perfection.
I hope this doesn’t have any actual fucking brawls. I’d assume that’s left for Fifty Shades of Gray.
I nominate Nolan Ryan’s headlock of Robin Ventura for the Inaugural Class of the CFB Hall of Fame.
El Presidente was so intimidated by Scott’s portrayal of Patton that he had no alternative but to turn tail and flee.
That and he took a football in the groin.
Well you do not get to be the president if you don’t duck a weave better than most.
I would like to nominate the George Bell/Bruce Kison brawl.
Everybody was kung fu fighting…
Mr. Perry, when your name appeared in my RSS feed, I pushed my lover off of me, but she was not jealous for she knew your words would make love to her instead.
These posts will provide nourishment during the winter months. I nominate Johnny Cueto bicycle kicking Cardinals.
Chan Ho Park vs. ummm, was it Tim Belcher? Another Angels pitcher? I think it was Belcher. Classic battle of the Left Coast. Tae Kwon Do has never reached such lofty heights…
The concerned look of the catcher and umpire morphing into a look of complete suprise is priceless.
Who could forget when Julio Lugo dry gulched James “Boner Breath”Shields by hitting him with a bid rusty trombone. A classic orgy… of violence.
I don’t want to get any messages saying, “I am holding my position.” We are not holding a GDed thing. Let the Germans do that. We are advancing constantly and we are not interested in holding onto anything, except the enemy’s balls. We are going to twist his balls and kick the living s*** out of him all of the time. Our basic plan of operation is to advance and to keep on advancing regardless of whether we have to go over, under, or through the enemy. We are going to go through him like c*** through a goose; like s*** through a tin horn!
The John Cangelosi-John Smoltz fight of 1994, which, IMHO, was the birth of the Mets-Braves rivalry, belongs on any list of classic f%$#ing brawls.
May I nominate that regular brawl between Tim McCarver and sanity.
the best chicken fight was the Armando Benitez/Darryl Strawberry brawl, ended by an Alan Mills drop punch on Strawberry. The nastiest brawl I ever saw was the 20+ minute fight between Bill Hasselman/Mike Mussina
My favorite base-brawl was when Abner Doubleday nude mud wrestled Edith Wharton in the on deck circle (they were larger then) during a rain delay. The game between the Hartford Dark Blues and Louisville Greys was postponed when the only ball there was lost in Edith’s gaping gash. Ms. Wharton queefed the ball out later that night. She later signed said ball and it sits next to Morgana the Kissing Bandit’s bra in Cooperstown.