Man Parlays Admiration for Corey Kluber into Goods, Services

Earlier on Thursday, the Cleveland Indians announced via Twitter that they would reward the fan who could most ably document his or her enthusiasm for the club with two opening-day tickets for Progressive Field’s so-called Social Suite. (Approximate retail value: $348.06.)

The official rules for the contest are decidedly robust, both in terms of Legal Verbiage and Capitalized Nouns. Here’s a mostly relevant excerpt, however:

The object of the Contest is to create and post an original photo showcasing your Tribe Town pride (the “Entry“). You must post your Entry via a public tweet as directed by @Indians (the “Club Account“), and include the hashtag #TribeTown (the “Hashtag“) in accordance with these Official Rules to be eligible. Staff members of Cleveland Indians Baseball Co. LP (the “Judges” or “Sponsor“) will select the most compelling Entry in accordance with these Official Rules and based upon criteria set forth in the Judging section below to determine the Winner.

Generally speaking, this is the sort of thing at which the present author — whose entire person is refined and mannered — might consider snubbing his nose. “Let the common people fight over the scraps,” I’ve maybe said aloud once regarding this sort of public relations effort. “Allow them to conduct their affairs like some manner of cog in some manner of machine,” I’ve maybe proclaimed in a cartoonishly patrician and entirely affected accent, not unlike the one utilized by late cartoonish patrician William F. Buckley

In this particular instance, however, such comments would have been misplaced. In this case, what I certainly would have failed to recognize is that the capital-J Judges responsible for selecting the capital-W Winner — what I would have failed to recognize is that said Judges appear to possess razor-sharp taste.

For evidence of same, regard the strangely huge image below, which depicts the Winners of the relevant contest (the Brothers McMahon, it would appear) displaying their sartorial ingenuity.

In conclusion, life is not entirely — but only just mostly — a terrifying waste.



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Carson Cistulli has just published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.


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Mr. Observant
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Mr. Observant

“The Kluberite which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind. Kluberites should think before putting down the instinct of self-preservation as the cardinal instinct of an organic being. A Kluberite seeks above all to discharge its strength–life itself is will to power; self-preservation is only one of the indirect and most frequent results. Also, wearing a vintage Cleveland ball hat.”

― Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

Resolution
Guest
Resolution

Now that history has changed course, there is truly no turning back.

Simon
Guest
Simon

said the Whig revisionist theory.

Sal
Guest
Sal

F Kluber

kdm628496
Member
kdm628496

C. Kluber

Atreyu Jones
Guest
Atreyu Jones

F. Murray Klubraham

(Still) James
Guest
(Still) James

I’m still not sure I believe you didn’t make this up. I mean, the criterion is “most compelling Entry.” That has Carson Cistulli written all over it.

frivoflava29
Member
frivoflava29

Indeed, I followed through with some research.

First, I friended Mr. Cistulli on Facebook. The lonely man (man?) quickly accepted, whereby I discovered his only other eight friends were not real, but in fact proxies. “This sounds like a conspiracy,” my mother tells me over my shoulder.

Indeed, upon carefully arranging the initials of each such “friend,” a secret message is parlayed to the interested party: “F-U-C-K-Y-O-U-D-A-Y-N-P-E-R-R-Y.” When uttered into Google’s search engine, numerous highly suspicious dating profiles popped up, confirming the notion that Mr. Cistulli is likely quite aroused, all of the time, and perhaps even at this moment.

Of particular interest was his OKCupid profile, which was anything but “OK.” Innumerable lewd photos roam these seemingly boundless dating profiles. “That’s enough,” the world sighed, for I could not speak as I was looking for the nearest receptacle into which I could vomit.

You have bested me, Mr. Cistulli.

(Still) James
Guest
(Still) James

I didn’t understand all of that, but my take-home is you are insinuating that Carson Cistulli is Manti Te’o’s girlfriend? It was the commas that reeled him in all along.

frivoflava29
Member
frivoflava29

Yes. I was hoping to find definitive proof, but for this journalist, the story wasn’t worth it. Although I’m sure it would have made headlines.

Overwhelmed
Guest
Overwhelmed

Wait, there are TWO societies now?!

/faints lugubriously

Pinstripe Wizard
Member
Member
Pinstripe Wizard

This reeks of Cistullian shenanigans.

Clayton
Member
Clayton

These guys could really top it all off by exposing* themselves in that fancy box for all to see.

*Spiritually expose themselves, that is.

Atreyu Jones
Guest
Atreyu Jones

“That you, yourself, this whole Corey Kluber Society, it was never anything but a jerry rig of presumption and dumb will. And you can just let go and finally know that you didn’t have to hold on so tight. To realize that all your life, all your love, all your hate, all your memory, all your pain, it was all the same thing, it was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room. A dream about being a person. And like a lot of dreams, there’s Corey Kluber at the end of it.”

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