- NotGraphs Baseball - http://www.fangraphs.com/not -
Matt Cain or Herman Cain?
Posted By Jeremy Blachman On December 5, 2011 @ 12:30 pm In Big Idea,Comedy Jokes | 9 Comments
WHO SAID IT: Matt Cain, or Herman Cain?
1. “To be able to go nine innings was completely amazing. That was definitely a little different, going straight over to the catcher and going back to the mound to shake hands.”
2. “OK, Libya. [pause] President Obama supported the uprising, correct? President Obama called for the removal of Gadhafi. I just wanted to make sure we’re talking about the same thing before I say, ‘Yes, I agreed’ or ‘No I didn’t agree.’ I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reason — nope, that’s a different one. [pause] I gotta go back and see. I got all this stuff twirling around in my head. Specifically, what are you asking me that I agree or not disagree with Obama?”
3. “Later in the game I could have pitched better but I got tired and started hanging stuff.”
5. “It wasn’t bad, I just wasn’t getting strike one so we weren’t able to work on the off-speed stuff. I put myself in some holes and I had to battle out of some situations.”
6. “The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe the more manly he is…. Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance…. A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”
7. “They say you’re never a big leaguer until you start failing, and it’s that way right now. These guys are showing me what they can do, and I’ve got to do something different.”
8. “So as of today, with a lot of prayer and soul-searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign because of the continued distractions and the continued hurt caused on me and my family.”
9. “A lot of the pressure that always happens I think is something people put on themselves. It’s nothing these guys should do to put pressure on me. It’s all up to me and what I do with it is my own decision. I’m going to go out there and try to keep competing everyday and however it comes out is going to come out.”
10. “[Ginger White was] asking for financial assistance because she was out of work, had trouble paying her bills and I had known her as a friend. She wasn’t the only friend who I had helped in these tough economic times, and so her messages to me were relating to ‘needed money for her rent’ or whatever the case may be. I don’t remember all the specifics [but some texts included messages like] ‘What are you doing to get a job?’”***
ANSWERS: M. Cain– 1,3,5,7,9; H. Cain– 2,4,6,8,10
***Speaking of Herman Cain’s text messages, it’s totally legitimate that he texted that woman in the middle of the night about her job search and how he can help her with that, right? I mean, I can see those texts, it’s not hard to imagine at all:
1:07 AM // What are you doing to get a job? Because I’ve got some classified ads in my pants, if you know what I mean.
1:13 AM // No, Ginger, of course that’s not what I meant! All I meant is I’ve got a stack of newspaper listings in my pocket, and I’m saving them for you. I’ve got some ads too. CVS is having a sale on resume paper. And also condoms.
1:18 AM // Well excuse me for trying to be helpful. I suppose you think the photo I e-mailed you was suggestive, too? I was just trying to show you that companies will put their brand on anything these days, even an old pair of men’s underwear with a hole in it so you can see inside. IT WAS A BUSINESS LESSON!
5:11 AM // It’s 5 AM. What are you wearing?
5:18 AM // Give me a break, Ginger. I’m asking because I just talked to a guy in London who’s willing to do a video interview with you, but you need to look professional. I’ll wire you money for a business suit. Send me a picture, with it on and with it off.
5:35 AM // I meant a picture of the unworn business suit, Ginger, not a naked picture of you. Where’s your mind, Ginger? It’s in the gutter, that’s where. How are you going to get a job thinking about things like that? But, hey, the picture’s giving me some ideas. Come on over.
5:39 AM // No, not those kinds of ideas! What kind of a married man do you think I am? Ideas about other outfits. Come straight up to the bedroom. I’ll be there with my pants off.
5:56 AM // Excuse me! My pants will be off because I don’t like getting newsprint on them while I’m looking at job listings for you. For you, Ginger. I’m doing all of this for you.
6:04 AM // Look, you can wear nothing for all I care. The important thing is the job search.
6:07 AM // And, yes, if you think CVS overcharged you on the condoms, bring them too and we’ll call the store and file a complaint. But you have to bring them. Bring them! And come over quick. There’s a recruiter I want to introduce you too.
6:11 AM // Absolutely, the recruiter would love to meet you. He’s here, he’s ready, he’s rarin’ to go. Come on.
6:18 AM // No, Ginger, “the recruiter” is not a nickname for some private part of my body. Okay, it is, but come over anyway, my wife sleeps with earplugs, she won’t hear a thing.
Article printed from NotGraphs Baseball: http://www.fangraphs.com/not
URL to article: http://www.fangraphs.com/not/matt-cain-or-herman-cain/
Copyright © 2011 NotGraphs Baseball. All rights reserved.