Matt Harvey: Awesome Pitcher, Probably Wouldn’t Be My Friend

Long, enjoyable Men’s Journal profile of Matt Harvey that makes me reasonably certain that, despite living in the same city, we will not be running into other.

This is not to say that Matt Harvey doesn’t seem like a decent enough guy, but, uh, I was on the math team in high school.

Harvey lives in a bachelor pad in the East Village, a downtown neighborhood known for its raucous bar scene, which he indulges in on occasion. “I’m young, I’m single,” he says. “I want to be in the mix.”

I live in a one-bedroom apartment with my wife in Midtown, a neighborhood not known for its raucous bar scene, or maybe it is but I’m not paying attention. I can’t remember the last time I was in a bar. It definitely wasn’t raucous.

With two hours until Harvey has to be at Citi Field in Queens, he decides he has time for some quick shopping. “Do you know the store John Varvatos?”…. Harvey eyes a linen blazer with about a million buttons running along the seam and a funky, upturned collar – a baroque garment more befitting a general in Napoleon’s army than a ballplayer. “Think I can pull this off?” he asks.

I think the last new piece of clothing I have is a polo shirt my wife bought me off the sale rack in Banana Republic, maybe a year ago. I did buy some new undershirts a few months ago. Does that count as shopping?

“Dirty martinis and music – that’s the big motto in our family,” he says, describing his extended Italian-American clan as a rowdy tribe, fond of letting loose as often as possible. “We get the booze going, and the music starts playing. Always old-school hip-hop. Jay-Z. Tribe Called Quest. The Pharcyde. My parents love that stuff.”

There’s half a bottle of red wine in the back of my refrigerator, and 7/8 of a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream. The wine has been there for an amount of time that can be measured in months, is surely well beyond undrinkable, and probably wasn’t all that drinkable in the first place, since we bought it for $4 at Trader Joe’s. But I really can’t tell the difference. The Bailey’s was a gift the last time we had a party. I used a few tablespoons of it to make ice cream, and can’t think of anything else to do with it. When I crank up the Pandora, there’s a pretty good chance James Taylor starts singing.

Harvey mostly hangs with finance and marketing guys in their twenties and thirties.

That sounds terrible.

Still an awesome pitcher though.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


31 Responses to “Matt Harvey: Awesome Pitcher, Probably Wouldn’t Be My Friend”

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  1. Matt says:

    Things you can put Bailey’s Irish Cream in:

    —Hot Coffee
    —Iced Coffee
    —Milk
    —Your mouth

    +20 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Wigs says:

    Red wine in the refrigerator?!?!?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jeremy Blachman says:

      Once it’s open, does it not have to be refrigerated? I ask this honestly. And reluctantly, worried it may betray a serious knowledge deficiency on my part. I refrigerate cookies once they’re open. Peanut butter. Vinegar. I missed the lesson on what doesn’t need to be refrigerated. Also, I used to live in an apartment in Brooklyn two floors above a taqueria, so anything that wasn’t in the refrigerator was subject to inspection by the small animals who shared our living space.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • harperhill says:

        With red wine it depends. If it’s going to sit around for a few days I’d put it in the fridge and then take it out an hour or two before drinking the rest. And if it’s hot/humid in the house I’d put it in the fridge regardless. But it’s better just to finish the bottle soon after opening.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

      • David says:

        It’s the air that will ruin the wine once it’s been opened, not the temperature. But pathogens do not survive wine (or vinegar) so there’s no health-related reason to refrigerate either.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

      • MDL says:

        Wait, you refrigerate peanut butter?

        +14 Vote -1 Vote +1

        • thecodygriffin says:

          My thoughts exactly!

          Vote -1 Vote +1

        • This was definitely the item on the list that I would be least likely to refrigerate.

          Vote -1 Vote +1

        • BubbaBiscuit says:

          If you refrigerate peanut butter, the oil does not settle on the top again. This is for the natural types that have oil separation, once stirred up vigorously, you refrigerate it to stay that way. Same with natural Almond Butter and other natural nut butters you may have in your area, Pecan Butter is downright heavenly on toasted banana bread.

          Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Eminor3rd says:

        Peanut butter? That sounds horrible. You don’t need to do that.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Darkstone42 says:

        I’m precisely your refrigeration opposite. I refrigerate as few things as possible, milk, cheese, fruit, and vegetables, some condiments and dressings, depending on how long I want them to last (it turns out you cannot leave mayonnaise at room temperature for a year and a half, as it turns yellow, oily, and cracked), but never any pastry or other baked good, juice (unless I want it cold), liquor (I drink most at room temperature anyway) or cooking liquids (because they don’t need it). Of course, the number of things which start growing other things on them in my house is a little higher than I would like it to be…

        Vote -1 Vote +1

      • tz says:

        Jeremy

        +1 for you (or anyone) else admitting that there is SOMETHING they don’t know about wine.

        If I ever get stuck at one more dinner conversation where everyone is trying to one-up each other on wine knowledge, I’m gonna jab my Steve Yeager autographed bat shard right into my jugular…..

        Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Vintner says:

      Yes, red wine in the fridge. With normal stoppage (i.e. the cork stuffed back in) an open bottle will keep for a few days that way. With a vacuum stopper it will keep for weeks.

      Obviously you should let it come back closer to room temperature before drinking.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

      • MikeS says:

        Vacuum stoppers are the Juan Pierres of wine storage. On the surface, they seem like a good idea but when they are examined more critically they don’t really do anything useful. They have been studied and they do not suck out enough air to really be effective.

        We still use them because they make better stoppers than the corks in many cases and we got one as a gift.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

        • Mike says:

          Vacuum stoppers are great for getting you to think you’re doing something to help preserve your wine without really doing much of anything. Instead, do what wine bars do: get a can of nitrogen or argon gas, which is heavier than oxygen. Once released into the bottle, the heaver gas settles over the wine and keeps it from reacting with oxygen.

          For example: http://www.amazon.com/Enthusiast-Private-Preserve-Preservation-Spray/dp/B0000DCS18

          Vote -1 Vote +1

          • MikeS says:

            I can’t find it, but I think that whatever article I saw that debunked vacuum stoppers also debunked heavy gases. Although other sites disagree and feel both are effective so who knows?

            Vote -1 Vote +1

      • cass says:

        Room temperature as in cellar temperature. If you don’t keep your home extremely cool, it’s best to chill red wine just a bit before drinking.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Eminor3rd says:

    I’m a marketing guy in my late twenties.

    You’re right, it sounds horrible :(

    +5 Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Another anonymous lawyer says:

    You’re an anonymous lawyer, and all you have to drink in your refrigerator is refrigerated overpriced 2 buck Chuck and Bailey’s? You’re either broke, in which case sorry, and maybe you should consider the fact that you might enjoy dirty martinis if you ever had any money, or you have a 14 year old’s taste in alcohol. Matt Harvey wins this one.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • tz says:

      Er…a 14-year old’s taste in alcohol is generally a lot cheaper to support…meaning also that you can consume more for the same $$.

      If I ever have the fortune to make Matt Harvey’s rookie salary in a single year, I might upgrade my tastes. Till then, my lovely wife and I will gladly partake of Beringers White Zinfandel and Guinness respectively.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Jeremy Blachman says:

      I’m not a practicing lawyer… but, indeed, I have a 14-year-old’s taste in alcohol. Moscato is pretty tasty.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

    • The Royal We? says:

      way to reinforce the “lawyers are douchebags” stereotype.

      Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. thebear says:

    I’d much rather have a beer with Felix.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. kurtz says:

    It looks like Harvey missed a spot.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. John Lackey says:

    BURP!!!

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. JuanPierreDoesSteroids says:

    Hes single? I thought he was dating a super model! He gave up a super model for marketing guys in their 20s and 30s?

    20 grade brains right there.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. So many questions says:

    You know what you do when you open a bottle of red wine? Finish it.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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