Matty Baseballs: The Banknotes Harper of Baseballs?

Hello? Oh, hi, sorry to bother you so late, it’s Matty Baseballs.

What? It’s not that late? Haha, of course. To me, it’s always baseballs o’clock, please pardon me.

“Hello, Baseball? Matty Baseballs here. I hear you’ve got baseballs for me…”

Yes, I was calling to inquire about the state of your baseballs; I will get right to the point so as not to waste your time: How are your baseballs?

Yes? Very good. How old are they — the baseballs, I mean. How old are your baseballs, would you say?

Yes, yes, too many baseballs, all of different ages, I understand. Can you give me an age range, perhaps? What is your oldest baseball? What is your most recent baseball? Etc.

That’s fine, that’s just fine, I’ll assess the condition of each baseball upon pick up and we can go from there. I have special methods for discerning the origin, composition, and age of baseballs. I can even determine, to an incredibly accurate degree, how many times a baseball has been struck, and under what weather conditions.

Yes, it is very exciting, sir. Very exciting, indeed. I categorize and file each baseball according to a complex rubric. Then, I sleep on top of them.

No, not even I can sleep on all the baseballs in one sleep, but I am able to rotate them evenly because of my very specific classification system.

By smell, yes.

No, I don’t think I can teach you my methods. Why? Well, I’ve never had an apprentice. You sound very nice, but I’m very private about my baseball methods, I hope you will understand.

My official title, sir? Grand Sorcerer of Baseballs.

How kind of you to say.

Yes, your baseballs will be going to the best home possible. It’s the only suitable home for baseballs, in my opinion. But I have yet to acquire all the world’s baseballs.

Haha, yes, sir. One day. Matty Baseballs isn’t too old yet. Still chasing my dream.

Sure. I’ll be driving a 2001 Chevy Baseball with baseballs for wheels; can’t miss me.

Yes. See you tomorrow. Thank you, sir.

Print This Post

Hire Robert J. Baumann to live-blog your next birthday party, family reunion, or corporate event. You will not want to forget it soon.

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Well-Beered Englishman
Well-Beered Englishman

Folks, that’s Matthew “Beer Truck” LeCroy, new bullpen coach of the Washington Nationals, for whom he once caught a game in which six enemy runners stole second base.


You left out the part about his performance bringing Frank Robinson to tears. No, really.