Melky Cabrera: Internet Expert

From the New York Daily News:

In a bizarre attempt to avoid a 50-game drug suspension, San Francisco Giants star Melky Cabrera created a fictitious website and a nonexistent product designed to prove he inadvertently took the banned substance that caused a positive test under Major League Baseball’s drug program.

Cabrera associate Juan Nunez, described by the player’s agents, Seth and Sam Levinson, as a “paid consultant” of their firm but not an “employee,” is alleged to have paid $10,000 to acquire the phony website. The idea, apparently, was to lay a trail of digital breadcrumbs suggesting Cabrera had ordered a supplement that ended up causing the positive test, and to rely on a clause in the collectively bargained drug program that allows a player who has tested positive to attempt to prove he ingested a banned substance through no fault of his own.

1. Where’s the link? I want to see this website.

2. Why can’t I get $10,000 to create phony websites? I have actual experience in this department! Attention, baseball players: If you want to pay $10,000 for a phony website, I am available for hire. Bulk discount if you need sites for multiple illegal products.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

4 Responses to “Melky Cabrera: Internet Expert”

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  1. Krog says:

    If I’m a ballplayer I want these guys as my agents. They are willing to do ANYTHING to help their client. I want my representation to be so sleazy and corrupt that they will do whatever it takes. Except an agent that dirty might steal from me, so maybe I need to rethink this.

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  2. JimDMan3 says:

    I’m envisioning a lot of animated GIFs… Spinning e-mails, @ signs, perhaps a midi or two.

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  3. Robert J. Baumann says:

    That website looks nice. Good job, Jeremy.

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  4. Sabermetric Solutions says:

    I hope you didn’t spend too much time making that website, however I must credit you on making it look quite legit. If a general air of sarcasm wasn’t surrounding the entire site, I might have inquired about that summer program.

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