Mets Announce “Substantial” Citi Field Changes

According to ESPN, the Mets are set to announce “substantial” changes to Citi Field to make it friendlier to hitters. The article says that there will be a new (shorter) left field wall, and the fence in right-center field will be moved 250 feet closer to home plate. Oh, sorry, 25 feet. I misread that.

Other changes not mentioned in the piece:

  • A sinkhole near the visiting team’s on-deck circle. You mean you didn’t see it? And now Albert Pujols is missing? Oops.
  • Modular base placement system means home team bases are just 19 feet apart. “And the new single-season stolen base record goes to catcher Josh Thole.”
  • Home Run Apple now sprays apple juice in the eyes of all opposition outfielders. At least we hope that’s apple juice. It looks like apple juice. Uh oh.
  • A new, electromagnet-powered, ultra-bouncy field surface placed underneath the outfield grass, switched on only when the Mets are at bat, designed to send all outfield singles into the bleachers and convert them into ground-rule doubles.
  • Handful of fans remaining in stands to be replaced by actual high-powered fans that will blow opposing home run balls back into the field of play.
  • A komodo dragon who lives in a cage near the visitor’s dugout, and is freed once per game to eat the opposing team’s third baseman.
  • “Oh, we didn’t realize there was a lice infestation in the visiting bullpen.”
  • Centerfield “batter’s eye” will now be a hypnotizing pattern specifically designed to control the mind of the home plate umpire, causing him to believe that every pitch thrown by the opposition is a ball.
  • Water fountain in visitor’s clubhouse will now dispense Vicks Nyquil.
  • “Did I see the foul pole move when the Mets came up to bat? Wait, now I don’t see it at all. Hold on, you mean to tell me that Jason Bay’s foul pop barely beyond the reach of the first baseman is a grand slam?”
  • Scoreboard now gives Mets a 9-run head start. Shhhhh.

[Further suggestions welcome in the comments]




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

3 Responses to “Mets Announce “Substantial” Citi Field Changes”

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  1. The Rajah says:

    That 9-run head start should even things up a bit.

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  2. Mo Vaughn says:

    It will all work great until the cards come to town and TLR blows the whistle. Perhaps it will be after Pujols first at bat/disappearance.

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  3. juan pierre's mustache says:

    OH MY GOD THERES A WHITE SHIRTED MAN TO THE RIGHT OF THE APPLE

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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