Minnesota Twins Linked to Weather Conspiracy


MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has obtained a leaked photo taken today at Target Field that clearly shows the Minnesota Twins are in possession of some kind of shitty-weather deflection device, and have been employing it at their facility throughout the winter.

The photo — which shows green grass, clean dirt, and dry seats — is in stark contrast to ground seen in any other part of the Twin Cities of Minnesota. Minneapolis residents have dealt with blizzards, school closings, icy rain, snowy ice, rainy snow, icy highways, snowy highways, roads with a  layer of snow atop a layer of ice, and roads with a layer of ice atop a layer of snow all winter, yet Target Field seems to have proven unencumbered by these events.

Officials at Target Field have clearly built some sort of invisible biodome to deflect this atmospheric proof that God hates the Middle West. Sources were unable to confirm if the alleged biodome was paid for by the Twins organization, or came as part of the city’s tax levies that funded the stadium.

While the field remained unmolested, the rest of the city lay in veritable ruin after this winter’s weather. Parking lots are filled with muddy snow, while cars permanently stained with road salt dot all the major roadways. Most of the cities streets are actually comprised of more pothole than asphalt. Though the official start of spring has passed, no birds have come back to the Twin Cities, obviously entering in an agreement that it is a stupid God-damned place to live. The city’s vagrant squirrel population has somehow  lasted through the winter.


A photo of Interstate 94 in Minneapolis, taken yesterday.


Meanwhile, the Minnesota Twins have worked hard and leveraged technology originally thought to be nonexistent to preserve their field for their Opening Day game against the Tigers, which no one will attend, because it will be 34 fucking degrees out.

“I’m outraged!” said no one, because this probably isn’t true.

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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.

5 Responses to “Minnesota Twins Linked to Weather Conspiracy”

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  1. Jaack says:

    Joe Mauer just dumped a ton of Head and Shoulders shampoo over the stadium to prevent the build up of white flakes.

    +35 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. AlexandertheMeh says:

    Now if they could only possess a shitty-pitching deflection device they would be in business.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    Now we know who has Cobra’s weather dominator.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. Tim says:

    “Most of the cities streets are actually comprised of more pothole than asphalt.”

    To be fair, that was true in the summer as well.

    Vote -1 Vote +1