Miss Manners Does Baseball

I am an unqualified admirer of the prose faculties of Judith Martin, whom you may know by her nom de suavity, “Miss Manners.”

Not only is Miss Manners America’s leading Gentleman with Lady Parts, but her ministrations have also helped preserve Western Civilization more than any stupid monk in his lamewad scriptorium. While said Western Civilization is undoubtedly lingering in hospice care at this very moment, Miss Manners soldiers on, armed with nothing but savoir-faire and a shimmering grace of a caliber foreign to our stinking world.

It should come as no surprise, then, that the lessons Miss Manners imparts regarding, say, one’s mother-in-law who insists upon talking about her scabies during high tea or that utter beast in first class are also applicable to baseball. For instance, in one of her recent epistolary lectures she reproved a young lady who had received not one but two ghastly marriage proposals via cellular-telephone textual message thusly: “That you have captivated two gentlemen who thought this would charm you is alarming.”

Baseball players, you know, are but low creatures in need of horse-whispering and social finishing, so the wisdom of Miss Manners penetrates their tiny worlds. To wit …

Now go and better yourselves, swine. And always crap while wearing a tailored vest.




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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.


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Kyle
Member
3 years 11 months ago

BRB, gonna go purchase a tailored vest.

reillocity
Guest
reillocity
3 years 11 months ago

Just for clarification, what Dayn really means is “And always wear a tailored vest while crapping.”. Perpetually defecating while wearing your tailored vest would be rather unpleasant for you and all around you.

Kyle
Member
3 years 11 months ago

But it would be pretty impressive.

deadhead
Member
deadhead
3 years 11 months ago

… don’t listen to what Ms. Manners says. Take advice from old letters to the editor from Ms. Magazine instead. Ms. Manners is uncouth. She regularly takes it up the poopshoot from Kamala the Ugandan Giant while he is in full costume. She urinates standing up and has room clearing vaginosis. She can often be found loitering outside of Big Lots swilling cheap hooch out of a brown bag, swaying in the breeze and bellowing obscenities at single mothers and pregnant whores without wedding rings. She eats Ring-Dings for breakfast and lunch but with dainty gloves on. The fact that she offers oral sex for anti-anxiety medication is sickening, especially if you’ve seen her decrepit, wrinkled, smelly carcass. She also pegs Ann Landers husband on the down low. She is rotten. Throw her white trash into the rubbish and have the help remove it, post haste.

deadhead
Member
deadhead
3 years 11 months ago

By the way, I thought the headline was referring to an old home movie surfacing. Wherein Judith Martin gets plundered by Don Zimmer, Casey Stengel and the Pirate Parrot.

nu?! bully baroooooo
Guest
nu?! bully baroooooo
3 years 11 months ago

Deadhead , please start a regular column on here, Puleeeeeeeeease!

Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free

Nate
Guest
Nate
3 years 11 months ago

@deadhead, wow. I honestly hope there’s an effective medication for that.

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