Miss Manners Does Baseball

I am an unqualified admirer of the prose faculties of Judith Martin, whom you may know by her nom de suavity, “Miss Manners.”

Not only is Miss Manners America’s leading Gentleman with Lady Parts, but her ministrations have also helped preserve Western Civilization more than any stupid monk in his lamewad scriptorium. While said Western Civilization is undoubtedly lingering in hospice care at this very moment, Miss Manners soldiers on, armed with nothing but savoir-faire and a shimmering grace of a caliber foreign to our stinking world.

It should come as no surprise, then, that the lessons Miss Manners imparts regarding, say, one’s mother-in-law who insists upon talking about her scabies during high tea or that utter beast in first class are also applicable to baseball. For instance, in one of her recent epistolary lectures she reproved a young lady who had received not one but two ghastly marriage proposals via cellular-telephone textual message thusly: “That you have captivated two gentlemen who thought this would charm you is alarming.”

Baseball players, you know, are but low creatures in need of horse-whispering and social finishing, so the wisdom of Miss Manners penetrates their tiny worlds. To wit …

Now go and better yourselves, swine. And always crap while wearing a tailored vest.

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Handsome Dayn Perry can be found making love to the reader at CBSSports.com's Eye on Baseball. He is available for all your Twitter needs.

10 Responses to “Miss Manners Does Baseball”

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  1. Kyle says:

    BRB, gonna go purchase a tailored vest.

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    • reillocity says:

      Just for clarification, what Dayn really means is “And always wear a tailored vest while crapping.”. Perpetually defecating while wearing your tailored vest would be rather unpleasant for you and all around you.

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      • Kyle says:

        But it would be pretty impressive.

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      • Dayn Perry says:

        Point of order: I mean any time you’re wearing a tailored vest — which should be at all times — you should take a crap. Crap without ceasing, in other words.

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        • Dave Barker says:

          Nice, crap used as an imperative.

          Also, Crap Without Ceasing: The Collected Works of Nickelback.

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          • deadhead says:

            The only way to follow-up a post about the existence of God is with a post about the existence of Lucifer. The devil is alive and has a really messed up way of screwing with our souls, because he has joined Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger together in an unholy union of suck. No, August 21st is not Canadian April Fool’s Day. I already checked and checked again.

            Sometime before February, Avril Lavigne stopped boning Bruce Jenner’s son (Happy birthday, Brody!) and made the Canadian embassy in Hell cackle with laughter by getting on Chad Kroeger. Their rep tells People that the two Canadian ear killers got close while working on a song together six months ago and now they’re engaged to be married. Chad gave Avril a 14-carat diamond ring on August 8th. This will be 37-year-old Chad’s first marriage and 27-year-old Avril’s second.

            I was going to say that this is about as random as a ferret hugging a dildo, but this actually makes a whole lot of sense. Avril is the Ed Hardy trucker cap of music and Nickelback is the Affliction cum rag of music. And anybody who owns an Ed Hardy trucker cap definitely owns an Affliction cum rag, because the two go together perfectly. But for why are they engaged after only 6 months? Please don’t tell me she’s knocked up, because I’m really not ready for the Antichrist to rip apart the earth’s crust by making the worst music civilization has ever heard.

            It’s truly the end of days, because you know Ke$hit will be the maid of honor, Justin Bieber will officiate, Scott Stapp will be best man and Avril and Chad will register at Hot Topic. Oh here go hell come.

            And the scariest words in the English language are officially: Avril Kroeger. I’m pretty sure that was the full name of the devil’s first born.


            I found this news of Nickleback. I am not familiar with them, though.

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  2. deadhead says:

    … don’t listen to what Ms. Manners says. Take advice from old letters to the editor from Ms. Magazine instead. Ms. Manners is uncouth. She regularly takes it up the poopshoot from Kamala the Ugandan Giant while he is in full costume. She urinates standing up and has room clearing vaginosis. She can often be found loitering outside of Big Lots swilling cheap hooch out of a brown bag, swaying in the breeze and bellowing obscenities at single mothers and pregnant whores without wedding rings. She eats Ring-Dings for breakfast and lunch but with dainty gloves on. The fact that she offers oral sex for anti-anxiety medication is sickening, especially if you’ve seen her decrepit, wrinkled, smelly carcass. She also pegs Ann Landers husband on the down low. She is rotten. Throw her white trash into the rubbish and have the help remove it, post haste.

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  3. deadhead says:

    By the way, I thought the headline was referring to an old home movie surfacing. Wherein Judith Martin gets plundered by Don Zimmer, Casey Stengel and the Pirate Parrot.

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    • nu?! bully baroooooo says:

      Deadhead , please start a regular column on here, Puleeeeeeeeease!

      Picture a bright blue ball just spinning, spinning free

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  4. Nate says:

    @deadhead, wow. I honestly hope there’s an effective medication for that.

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