MLB Changes Rules In Response To NFL Goalpost Dunking Ban

Baseball Rule Book CoverWhile it has focused on expanding the appeal of the game both internationally and to various segments of the American population, Major League Baseball has always been careful to not alienate its most loyal and prized demographic, dad-shirt wearing suburbanite people like myself. Therefore, it has cultivated an air of respectability, aggressively going after PED users, taking steps to end home plate collisions, keeping Jamie Moyer around as long as humanly possible. But baseball is not alone in coveting my demo, and the NFL especially has been trying to poach fans by actively blanding down their hyper-violent game to make it more palatable to “ketchup-is-too-a-spice” types such as myself. Eventually, Baseball had to respond or risk losing me and my ilk to games that seemed “safer.”

Not to be outdone by the NFL’s new rules banning “dunking” over the goalpost, Major League Baseball announced today the following 10 changes to the game:

1)      Butt slaps are heretofore banned, and any uniformed personnel engaging in butt slaps, smacks, taps, touches, or gentle caresses on the field of play or in the dugout is automatically ejected from the game.

2)      High fives are only allowed after successful sacrifice bunts, groundouts resulting in a run scoring, or sacrifice fly. After a home run, players are to be given the silent treatment for at least three innings. No fist bumps. God help you if you fist bump.

3)      Uniform tops are to remain buttoned all the way up, and tucked neatly into pants. Socks must be visible to the mid-calf or higher. Stirrups are encouraged.

4)      No more leaping catches over the outfield fence. If a hitter is strong enough to reach the seats, politely allow the ball to continue on its natural path and don’t make a fuss.

5)      Viagra and Cialis now own the Mariners and Diamondbacks, respectively. Free samples for every male in attendance wearing Viagra Mariners or Cialis Diamondbacks gear.

6)      New commissioner: Ray Romano.

7)      One, Derek Jeter needs to be faster, stronger, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Derek Jeter is not playing, all the other players should be asking “Where’s Derek?”

8)      Alex Rodriguez will be publicly flogged before the Home Run Derby during every All Star Weekend.

9)      Bullpen carts are hereby outlawed, and must be replaced with bullpen Corvettes to compensate for fans’ declining testosterone.

10)   No more of this bullshit:


Your move, National Basketball Association.

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

12 Responses to “MLB Changes Rules In Response To NFL Goalpost Dunking Ban”

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  1. Brian McCann says:

    Hell Yeah!

    +19 Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Urban Shocker says:

    This is excellent. We have some promising new Notgraphs writers around these parts, though I’m very hopeful for Mr. Robinson.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Mike Bates says:

      Clearly, my work has been properly appreciated over the last two years and I’m doing a great job making a name for myself at NotGraphs.

      +14 Vote -1 Vote +1

      • Urban Shocker says:

        Don’t get carried away, you’re still wrong on the best baseball song ever written.

        Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Adam Silver says:

    1) The NBA age limit is now 22. All incoming players should be 4 year seniors who have paid their dues in college.

    2) The dress code is now suits only. No more hipster fashion that LeBron and Russell Westbrook have been wearing to games.

    3) Dunking is banned.

    4) Uniform tops are to be classic sleeveless jerseys only. No more shirseys. Anyone overheard saying the word shirsey at a game will be ejected.

    5) Uniform bottoms cannot extend past the upper thigh. Short shorts were good enough for John Stockton. They are good enough for today’s players.

    6) No current player deserves Derek Jeter’s time machine. Use of said time machine will be restricted to Larry Bird and Magic Johnson only.

    7) Flopping will be punished by an automatic ejection.

    8) The hand check is legal again

    9) Players are encouraged to foul hard and intimidate opponents. All players are required to watch 30 minutes of Charles Oakley and Xavier McDaniel highlights before each game.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. TK says:

    “Great, great. Just leave them right there on the floor on your way out.”
    -Roger Myers Jr

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  5. Danmay says:

    Where’s Poochie?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  6. polelover44 says:

    “Uniform tops are to remain buttoned all the way up, and tucked neatly into pants”

    a) Mike Napoli’s going to have a fit
    b) Do we now wear giant-sized uniform tops?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  7. bob d says:

    golowedal post dunking not allowed,jumping into the stands allowed

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  8. bob d says:

    golowedal post dunking not allowed,jumping into the stands allowed,never had it explained

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  9. Utah Dave says:

    What is the rule now in the NFL if you try to dunk over the goal post, but can’t jump high enough? Is the penalty just for trying or for trying and succeeding?

    I would also like to add an NBA rule that disallows eyewear without actual lenses. Maybe that is already a fashion faux pas. I still wear tube sox so I may not be the best judge of what is currently fashionable.

    Vote -1 Vote +1