While it has focused on expanding the appeal of the game both internationally and to various segments of the American population, Major League Baseball has always been careful to not alienate its most loyal and prized demographic, dad-shirt wearing suburbanite people like myself. Therefore, it has cultivated an air of respectability, aggressively going after PED users, taking steps to end home plate collisions, keeping Jamie Moyer around as long as humanly possible. But baseball is not alone in coveting my demo, and the NFL especially has been trying to poach fans by actively blanding down their hyper-violent game to make it more palatable to “ketchup-is-too-a-spice” types such as myself. Eventually, Baseball had to respond or risk losing me and my ilk to games that seemed “safer.”
Not to be outdone by the NFL’s new rules banning “dunking” over the goalpost, Major League Baseball announced today the following 10 changes to the game:
1) Butt slaps are heretofore banned, and any uniformed personnel engaging in butt slaps, smacks, taps, touches, or gentle caresses on the field of play or in the dugout is automatically ejected from the game.
2) High fives are only allowed after successful sacrifice bunts, groundouts resulting in a run scoring, or sacrifice fly. After a home run, players are to be given the silent treatment for at least three innings. No fist bumps. God help you if you fist bump.
3) Uniform tops are to remain buttoned all the way up, and tucked neatly into pants. Socks must be visible to the mid-calf or higher. Stirrups are encouraged.
4) No more leaping catches over the outfield fence. If a hitter is strong enough to reach the seats, politely allow the ball to continue on its natural path and don’t make a fuss.
5) Viagra and Cialis now own the Mariners and Diamondbacks, respectively. Free samples for every male in attendance wearing Viagra Mariners or Cialis Diamondbacks gear.
6) New commissioner: Ray Romano.
7) One, Derek Jeter needs to be faster, stronger, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Derek Jeter is not playing, all the other players should be asking “Where’s Derek?”
8) Alex Rodriguez will be publicly flogged before the Home Run Derby during every All Star Weekend.
9) Bullpen carts are hereby outlawed, and must be replaced with bullpen Corvettes to compensate for fans’ declining testosterone.
10) No more of this bullshit:
Your move, National Basketball Association.
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