MLB Gameday Scout Explores Own Existential Dread

The Scout feature of’s Gameday service is generally regarded as innocuous, if sometimes less than helpful, by the Baseballing Public.

For reasons that aren’t entirely clear, however, a recent strikeout by A.J. Burnett of opposing pitcher Felix Hernandez prompted the Scout in question to inspect the poorly constructed foundation on which his own assumptions of the world are perilously built.

As the reader will note, the initial comment bears considerable resemblance to the Scout’s usual sort of analysis:

Felix Burnett 1

However, a melancholy leap occurs here, in the wake of Hernandez’s strikeout:

Felix Burnett 2

The Scout concludes with this — what appears to be some manner of prayer or poem — which tidily summarizes the haunting tension between life’s myriad horrors and its terrifying momentum:

Felix Burnett 3

Credit to Productive Outs for bringing this to the author’s attention.

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Carson Cistulli occasionally publishes spirited ejaculations at The New Enthusiast.

10 Responses to “MLB Gameday Scout Explores Own Existential Dread”

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  1. filihok says:

    I once got a hit off of a pitch in that location.

    Just one.
    One true moment of happiness
    Makes the rest of my existence so dark
    And melancholy.
    And shines a dark spotlight on the ubiquity of my pain
    To the bottom of the 5th indeed.

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  2. Dan Rozenson says:

    Sounds more like a Cubs game to me.

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  3. MikeS says:

    I believe I saw Scout suggest that Mariano Rivera should throw something other than a cutter earlier this year.

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  4. Deadpool says:

    I remember in Juio Teheran’s last start, Teheran threw an 89 MPH fastball. The scout said Teheran was probably running out of gas. The next pitch was 94, the scout said Teheran had plenty left in the tank.

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  5. jpomrenke says:

    Or, as Skip Caray used to say: “And now we’ve reached the bottom of another fifth.”

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  6. AlexandertheMeh says:

    Leave it to the Mariners to be the ones to remind us of our own massive failure and waning mortality.

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  7. James K. says:

    Scout called my sister a whore.

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