MLB Offseason Power Rankings

Team Watts per Second Notes
1 Giants 2000-10000 Size of giant varies widely based on lore
2 Rays 1,004 527W infrared, 445W visible, 32W ultraviolet
3 Marlins 428 A marlin actually capsized a boat last week
4 Tigers 348 Tiger
5 Cubs 60-300 age indeterminate; brown bears reach 80 lbs by age 1
6 Twins 134 2x Humans
7 Braves 79 Human warrior
8 Athletics 75 Human whose reputation is based on physical strength
9 Mariners 74 Human used to physical toil
10 Brewers 71 Human used to working in factories
11 Rangers 69 Human used to sitting on horses, chasing people
12 Dodgers 68 Human with some semblance of dexterity
13 Yankees 67 Human
14 Indians 67 Human
15 Nationals 67 Human
16 Mets 65 Human used to riding in taxis, not using gym memberships
17 Pirates 64 Human used to drinking rum, possibly one-legged
18 Padres 63 Human used to living quietly, giving sermons
19 Royals 60 Human likely suffering from gout
20 Diamondbacks 4 Snake
21 Orioles 2 Bird, 22-30cm
22 Blue Jays 2 Bird, 20-30cm
23 Cardinals 2 Bird, 21cm
24 Angels 1 Incorporeal being, can rub condensation off mirrors
25 Red Sox 0 Clothing
26 White Sox 0 Clothing
27 Reds 0 Clothing
28 Rockies 0 Inanimate Object
29 Phillies 0 Inanimate Object
30 Astros 0 Intangible Concept

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Patrick Dubuque writes for NotGraphs and The Hardball Times, and he served as former Bill Spaceman Lee Visiting Professor for Baseball Exploration at Pitchers & Poets. Follow him on Twitter @euqubud.

40 Responses to “MLB Offseason Power Rankings”

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  1. PioneerSkies says:

    A Philly is a female horse, no?

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  2. rb says:

    This is ridiculous. Why would a red sock be rated higher than a white sock? I am sick of all this east coast bias.

    +15 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • MikeS says:

      Exactly. If you must do laundry, whites are the best load. Lots of heat, bleach and detergent. No thought needed. Easiest to fold, too. The white sock won’t stain the rest of your clothes if you wash it wrong?

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    • Big Daddy V says:

      One would assume that the red sock, containing additional dyes, would be slightly more massive and thus would release more energy when burned for fuel. Especially if it has blood in it.

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    • filihok says:


      red light is higher energy than white light.

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    • Rags says:

      In the same way that electrons travel from higher energy levels to lower ones, redness travels from Red Sox to White Sox if they are brought together in the wash. Thus, White Sox must be the lower energy sox.


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  3. PeterNincompoop says:

    Couldn’t the Reds signify the entire Soviet Russia revolutionary communist military force? That’s a lot of humans.

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    • Well-Beered Englishman says:

      New charity drive idea: The Reds Care

      +19 Vote -1 Vote +1

    • Max says:

      Yeah, I’m pretty sure the International Communist Conspiracy should rank higher than 27th. Also, consider this (fully historically accurate) account of events:

      1972 – Nixon goes to China
      Reds lose World Series

      1975, 1976 – Vietnam over, Reds win two titles

      1979 – Reds stop winning titles, Russians invade Afghanistan

      Clearly the Big Red Machine was a sop to the Soviets, and when we stopped rigging the game for their team, they retaliated.

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  4. LTG says:

    I’d like to see the NHL version of this ranking…

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  5. Andrew says:

    This is pretty anthropocentric. Why are humans higher than snakes and birds? Also, I think mountains (Rockies) are ranked too low. What is the rationale for Yankees being higher than Nationals (when they are essentially the same thing in the U.S.). At least you did the politically correct thing and put the Indians in between them (or did you…?).

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  6. Surine says:

    Is that a constant increase in W/s? Do they stop producing power when they explode/immolate?

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    • Since these rankings are based loosely on horsepower, the theory is that the energy measured would be able to be maintained at an acceptable level of effort for multiple hours at a time.

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  7. philosofool says:

    If it is an open question whether infinitely many can fit on the head of a pin, how can it possibly be settled that God prefers SI units?

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  8. Jeremiah Jebediah says:

    I love how the units are W/s.

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  9. MustBunique says:

    The Rockies produce natural radiation due to deformation of the rock at depth below them, somewhere around 10-20 millisieverts per year. Don’t discount them, guy.

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    • Resolution says:

      Why can’t our players ever mutate in a good way then instead of just becoming injury prone!?!

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    • golden jerseys, sparkle pants says:

      Indeed, the Rockies are not merely inanimate objects. These 80-56 MY youngsters are continually being subjected to physical, deformation stresses, which ,by the defined laws of physics, requires friction, a force. When force is combined with a velocity, power is created. Watts per second is a derived unit of power over time. Ipso facto, the Rockies have a wattage per second. Having stated all of that, the Rockies wattage per second is likely unquantifiable.

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  10. KCDaveInLA says:

    If ‘Astros’ are short for astronauts, that would at least bump them up to #6, because astronauts are awesome.

    As for Twins, it would matter who; if they were the Doublemint Twins even at their present age, not bad; if they were douchebags like the Winklevoss twins, then they drop.

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  11. TheHoustonian says:

    Yankees over Indians? Not only is that racist and insensitive, but it’s historically demeaning.

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    • 54 says:

      Yankees stole this land from the Indians, and decimated their population. Clearly superior wattage, even to their Braves… no crying in baseball, and both of those humans walked the trail of tears, where’s the unwritten rule hullabaloo!?

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  12. Phrozen says:

    Can’t the Cardinals also be considered human beings? Cardinal Mazarin, Cardinal Richelieu, Cardinal Joe, the College of Cardinals…

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    • reillocity says:

      And don’t forget Cardinal Sin, who gained infamy as a ballplayer by repeatedly making the first or last out of the inning at third base.

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  13. Nick says:

    An Astro isn’t just intangible, it is immeasurable. That makes it hard to rank.

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