MLB Summer TV Preview

MLB Network presents a brand new slate of shows this summer designed to take your mind off the fact that every pitcher on your favorite team is undergoing Tommy John Surgery.

From the makers of Grey’s Anatomy and So You Think You Can Dance… it’s the brand-new SO YOU THINK YOU CAN THROW A BASEBALL 95 MILES AN HOUR AND NOT END UP HAVING ELBOW SURGERY? Follow three thousand young pitching hopefuls as one by one by fifty by two hundred, they all end up blowing out their elbows and having Tommy John Surgery. Will their surgery be performed by renowned surgeon Dr. James Andrews… or will they draw the “wild card” and have their procedure performed by a nine-year-old boy who saw a video on YouTube about how to do a ligament replacement? You’ll have to watch to find out!

It’s not just a Mets pitching prospect about to undergo an MRI on his elbow… and it’s not just a former closer now pitching for the Cardinals’ AAA team in Memphis… it’s both, on SYNDERGAARDSMA, the impossible story of two pitchers, two dreams, and at least one Tommy John surgery between them, if not more to come. Do you have extra vowels and no uniform to sew them onto? Then you have to call… SYNDERGAARDSMA.

Have you ever wondered about the life of a brand-new hitting coach you’ve never heard of, just hired to replace some other guy you never heard of, trying basically to avoid calling attention to himself and staying out of David Wright’s way? Then you’ll want to DVR every episode of LAMAR! Lamar Johnson, an instructor in the Mets’ system since 2005, just brought up to the big leagues, because what isn’t interesting about a hitting coach for a team that’s probably not going to do very well no matter who the hitting coach is? Will he prefer sunflower seeds, or bubble gum? Gatorade, or water? Wilmer Flores, or Ruben Tejada? Does any of this matter?

What do you get when you combine a White Sox first-year phenom, and a should-be-Hall-of-Famer who probably ought to have retired already? It’s ABREU TIMES TWO, as Jose and Bobby team up to hit home runs (Jose) and, uh… fight crime? (Bobby, I guess.) Is the game on the line? You want Jose! Is there, um, a flood in the bathroom? Maybe Bobby can help. Or at least let you use his cell phone. Trying to intimidate the opposition? Jose! Need to fill out some forms to activate your Social Security? I think Bobby would probably have a better handle on that.

Finally, we’re putting a camera in Manny Ramirez’s hair, and following him around, on HE’S A PLAYER-COACH? REALLY? Are you as confused as I am? Actually, why don’t the Mets hire him as their hitting coach and actual major-league outfielder? No? That isn’t a good idea? Are you sure?




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Gabe
Guest
2 years 1 month ago

Great article. I really really really hope that LAMAR! is an excellent reference to Sen. Lamar Alexander’s 1996 presidential campaign.

Ranier Wolfcastle
Guest
Ranier Wolfcastle
2 years 1 month ago

No way! It’s a celebration of the late-70’s/early 80’s QuikTrip mascot.

Dr. Nick Riviera
Guest
Dr. Nick Riviera
2 years 1 month ago

Hi, everybody!

What’s the difference between a Tommy John, and a John Thomas?
Believe me, I’ve operated on both! The stories I could tell…

With the Tommy John, don’t forget to ask about volume discounts!*
Treat your whole team to an invigorating career-changer!

What have you got to lose? Certainly not your leg!

Free car wash if you’re not fully satisfied!

*(Restrictions may apply. No major credit cards accepted. Void where not legal, especially outside of Cancun.)

TK
Guest
TK
2 years 1 month ago

Hi Dr. Nick!!!

Jenstrom
Guest
Jenstrom
2 years 1 month ago

The description of Abreu Times Two made me laugh.

Another idea: Papi & Pee Wee, the odd couple of baseball, living together in an apartment. Bits include wearing each other’s uniforms, Ortiz carrying Pedey around like a baby and burping him after a big meal.

ReuschelCakes
Guest
ReuschelCakes
2 years 1 month ago

“Tony Gwynn and Billy Beane star in a drama about hopes & dreams, destiny & rebirth, slap singles & a well-coiffed do.

** Pork & Beanes **

“They’ll gladly trade you 2 relievers for a hamburger today!”

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