MLB TeeVee: Saved By Heath Bell

This is the fourth in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: SAVED BY HEATH BELL

INT. BAYSIDE HIGH -- HALLWAY

ZACK, SLATER, JESSIE, KELLY, LISA, SCREECH, and HEATH hang out by the lockers.

JESSIE

So, guys, I think I’m addicted to caffeine pills.

HEATH

That’s probably not a good idea, Jessie.

SLATER

Yeah, that’s probably not a good idea.

JESSIE

But I have so much going on. Finals, singing group, closing for the Marlins.

HEATH

Wait, that was my job.

JESSIE

Yeah, not anymore.

HEATH

What? They signed me to a huge contract. I have 137 saves, a streak of three straight All-Star appearances, and I blow 3 saves and all of a sudden the past three seasons don’t count? That’s crazy.

ZACH

No, what’s crazy is that we always thought Slater was a jock, but he’s like one-tenth the size of you, Heath. It’s only compared to me and Screech that he seemed like this macho guy.

SLATER

Hey!

HEATH

So I’m a middle reliever now? That’s what I’ve become? I think I should start taking some of your pills, Jessie.

JESSIE

No problem. I have a ton of them. I got them from Ozzie Guillen.



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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Kyle
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Slop clap. Bravo!

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