MLB TeeVee: The Big Hurt Theory

This is the seventh in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: THE BIG HURT THEORY

INT. FRANK’S APARTMENT -- DAY

Frank is watching a ballgame on TV.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

...and that’s strike three. Another strikeout by the Sox.

FRANK

Even three years out of baseball, I could do better than this.

SHELDON enters.

SHELDON

Actually, Frank, you couldn’t. Do you know how quickly reaction time slows as you age? You haven’t even used most of your hitting muscles since 2008. You’d be lucky to get a hit off Jamie Moyer out there.

FRANK

Jamie Moyer is six years older than me.

SHELDON

Chronologically.

FRANK

Uh, yeah. What other kind of age is there?

SHELDON

What other kind of age is there? You’re funny, Frank. There’s mental age, there’s developmental age, emotional age. For instance, while my chronological age is 32, my mental age is 157.

FRANK

And your emotional age?

SHELDON

Three.

FRANK

Well, I think I could still hit a fastball.

SHELDON

Only on the moon, Frank. Only on the moon.

FRANK

Why the moon?

SHELDON

You’re funny.

SHELDON exits.

FRANK pulls out his phone, dials a number.

FRANK

Hey, remind me again why I can’t afford to live without a roommate?




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


3 Responses to “MLB TeeVee: The Big Hurt Theory”

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  1. Jack says:

    I laughed more at this than the actual show. That isn’t saying much, but good job anyway.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. Chris says:

    brilliant.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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