MLB TeeVee: Two and a Half Nen

This is the fifth in a series of short excerpts from MLB Network’s entirely imaginary new fall sitcoms. More details here.

Today’s show: TWO AND A HALF NEN

INT. ROBB’S HOUSE -- LIVING ROOM

ROBB

Hey, Bobb, the Giants are winning. Winning. They’re winning. 8-3 in the 7th.

BOBB

Oh, okay, so you’re going to be the Charlie Sheen character in this mess?

ROBB

Yes, that’s right. Homer by Sandoval. 9-3. Still winning. And I would say I have Tiger blood running through my veins, but in my case I think it would be more accurate to say Giant blood. Or Marlin blood. Or a little bit of Ranger blood, from my rookie season. Where are the goddesses?

BOBB

There are no more goddesses. You’ve been retired for almost a decade. The goddesses stopped being interested once your shoulder disintegrated.

ROBB

My shoulder’s fine. I have Adonis DNA. It healed itself.

BOBB

You spent two seasons trying to rehabilitate from three shoulder surgeries. I think that proved you have human DNA, and a human arm, and, really, at this point, barely an arm at all.

ROBB

I don’t need arms. I have paws. Marlin paws. Did you know my career ERA is under 3? Under 3! How many players have career ERAs under 3?

BOBB

That’s because your arm fell off. You didn’t have a decline phase.

ROBB

Shut up.




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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.


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Resolution
Guest
Resolution
4 years 1 month ago

Can the ‘half-man’ be played by Eddie Gaedel?

Jack
Guest
Jack
4 years 1 month ago

Well his uniform number was 1/8, so you’d need four of him…

all4tookie
Guest
all4tookie
4 years 1 month ago

Awesome. Really hoping La Russa Explains It All gets green-lit.

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