Mock Mock Draft Results

Here are the results of the first round of this weekend’s Mock Mock Draft:

1.1 “Haha, I thought fantasy baseball was stupid as it is, but now you’re having a even faker practice draft for your fake draft?”

1.2 “Oooh, you got Trout? Too bad this isn’t a REAL DRAFT, sucker.”

1.3 “Maybe you should draft Garrett MOCK in your MOCK draft! Oh, he hasn’t played since 2010? EVEN BETTER.”

1.4 “Your fake team is even worse than your actual team. Which isn’t an actual team, of course.”

1.5 “I bet your spreadsheet isn’t even working right.”

1.6 “Maybe I’ll make you a mock dinner for you to eat after your draft, you terrible, neglectful husband.”

1.7 “You’re lucky this is a mock draft, because if it wasn’t, you would be in for a very long season.”

1.8 “Even Hopeless Joe had a better mock draft than you, and he left after three rounds to hang himself.”

1.9 “Ever hear of shortstops? Doesn’t seem like it.”

1.10 “Are you CRYING because someone took Byron Buxton before you? There’s no crying in mock drafting, crybaby. Save it for the actual auction, where crying is actually pretty common.”

1.11 “You’re not even pretending to respect the budget limitations you’re going to be faced with in the real draft. Oy.”

1.12 “Mock? More like a mockery. Who picks Justin Upton in the first round anymore?”

1.13 “There are more teams in your mock draft than number of years of education yo momma completed.”

1.14 “Uh… Mariano Rivera retired last season, moron.”

1.15 “Are holds actually a category in your league? That is so 1997.”

1.16 “I bet you don’t even know the strategic differences between drafting in the middle of the round in a snake draft versus one of the ends.”

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Tim Burwell
Tim Burwell

I’ve seen “Ever hear of shortstops? Doesn’t seem like it.” slip to the late first/early second round in a few drafts. Talk about a steal.


You grab sign “The only reason anyone comes to your stupid drafts is for the beer.” as a free agent after the draft.

Yancy Eaton

“I know Mo Rivera retired. I am stashing him for his comeback when my Yanks make the playoffs.”

Damaso's Burnt Shirt
Damaso's Burnt Shirt

“I heard this Jesus Montero guy might be really good.”