More Hypothetical Defensive Alignments

Last Thursday I presented to you readers some useless snack-like facts to get us from one thing happening in the offseason to the next thing happening. I’m sure it left you momentarily satisfied, and then, about an hour later when your blood sugar dropped, egregiously unsatisfied and cranky. Though my methodology in determining most of the facts I listed could be described as “dubious” and “mainly derived from answers people provided on WikiAnswers,” some of the facts were even less rigorously determined. They were determined by no method, really, except for me guessing and laughing. One such item was particularly amusing to me and is reproduced below:

Possible Defensive Alignment with Nobody On if Baseball Was Played with a Jellybean and Not a Baseball

jellybeandefense

What this post is, is more of these types of silly guesses on how one might align themselves defensively on a field if one were playing baseball differently or under unusual circumstances. All of the following assume no one is on base.

Defensive Alignment if Spiderman Was Playing in Centerfield with His Excellent UZR

SpidermanInCenter

Defensive Alignment if Stephen Hawking was Playing in Centerfield with His Less-than-Excellent UZR

HawkingInCenter

Defensive Alignment Most Pleasing to Someone with a Particular Type of OCD

OCD alignment

Defensive Shift if All Outfielders Were Drunk and Behaving in a Disorderly Manner

DrunkOutfield

Defensive Shift if Dragons Were Real and Attacking

DragonsAttack

Defensive Alignment if the Cocoon from Cocoon was Found Just Beyond Second Base

CocoonInOutfield

How These Defensive Alignments Might Look to Someone with Deuteranopic Colorblindness

Deuteranopia

How These Defensive Alignments Might Look to Someone with Full-On Blindness

Blind

 




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Zach is an egregious malcontent whose life goal is to literally become the London Tube. @itszachreynolds.


9 Responses to “More Hypothetical Defensive Alignments”

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  1. tz says:

    For alignment #1, make sure your shortstop and left fielder have clean-shaven heads.

    Jellybeans are tough to throw straight and tougher to gently pull out of your hair.

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  2. cass says:

    Excellent.

    I take it that center fielders are the new bassists? Or perhaps this is to add a bit of irony to the old song.

    Today was finally the day that Coach put little Timmy in center field. It was also the day that the dragons attacked. If Timmy had been riding the pine as usual, he’d still be alive today. But Timmy kept singing that goddamn song every day when he’d arrive at the club house and he finally got his wish. His last wish.

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  3. The Return of Rambo Diaz says:

    With that defensive alignment, Spiderman is guaranteed to be seen frequently on Web Gems.

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  4. Mike Green says:

    In light of Hawking’s impairment, he’d probably get to drive the motorized wheelchair with an automated glove as a reasonable accommodation. Give him half a season in double A and he’d probably have it figured out, and would have more range than your average 71 year old.

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  5. Hitler But Sadder says:

    This may have been the greatest Notgraphs post of all time.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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