More Possible Replacements for Curtis Granderson

One of the biggest stories of this very young preseason is that Yankees’ outfielder Curtis Granderson will be sidelined for a while with an arm injury. This has led many to speculate who will be his replacement. Opinions have been opined about free agents, trades, and internal candidates. Allow me to offer three options no one has mentioned yet.

johnfielderphoto

  1. Landscape Photographer John Fielder. Way back long ago, people use to take on surnames depending on their chosen profession. This is why we have names like Miller,  Blacksmith, and Methcook. This trend is less common today, but why don’t we try to resurrect it? I say put John Fielder in left field and see what he can do. Worst case scenario, he can Instagram some sweet pics from over there. I hear the lighting is quite good.

Jane_Fonda

  1. Actress Jane Fonda. Fonda doesn’t have what you may call a “stereotypical baseball body” due mostly to the presence of breasts and the fact it’s over 70 years old (well, most of it). But what she lacks in possession of an athletic vessel, she more than makes up for in tenacity, leadership, and desire. If the lady can be married to Ted Turner for 10 years, I’d trust her to hold her own among the Yankee faithful. Third base is more her natural position, but she has been described as “left of center.”ceedog
  2. Cee Angi’s Dog. Fellow baseball scribe Cee Angi owns a dog (but, really, it’s like the dogs own us, right!?) that teeters on the border of being too cute to live. On one hand, I want to grab it and squeeze it. On the other, I want to grab it and squeeze it so hard it’s head pops off. It’s really touch and go. The bottom line is this dog would be a terrible ballplayer because it’s little and stupid and it has too much length in its swing. But look at it. It’s only a month. Come on, let it play baseball for the Yankees. If you don’t you’ll hurt its little feelings. DO IT! YOU CAN’T RESIST!



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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


7 Responses to “More Possible Replacements for Curtis Granderson”

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  1. LTG says:

    Is any of Fonda’s body 70? Don’t we replace our cells constantly over the course of our lives? I mean, what is it to be 70 really?

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    • John R. says:

      Some cells, like neurons and cardiac muscle, stop reproducing in early childhood, so whatever cells make up Jane Fonda’s heart/nervous system are 70 or very close to it. Of course, if you want to get pedantic, all of the molecules that make up those cells have probably been replaced by now. Or have they? Help me, real scientists!

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      • LTG says:

        You don’t just need a scientist. You need an ontologist. For it is possible that, despite a complete replacement of material, the entity remain the same. In that case, the entity could be X age while all of the material is Y age.

        Come to think of it, since matter cannot be destroyed, perhaps we are all as old as the universe…

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  2. John says:

    The John Fielder idea is phenomenal in particular. We really SHOULD let photographers down onto the field.

    Also, without detracting from this post’s excellence or the esteemed writer, the its/it’s mixups in the last paragraph are making me cringe… Sorry to be that guy!

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    • AC of DC says:

      I can almost forgive it, not as a careless act in a fit of passion, but because the author — likely unintentionally — has invoked lyrics from a GWAR song. To wit: “I love puppies / When they’re roadkill / They’re too cute to live / Too cute to live / Too cute, like you.”

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  3. neilrqm says:

    Cougra, the Thundercat.

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