More SABR Fallout: Gary Matthews Sr., Mad Hatter

Sarges Hats

One of the highlights of this year’s SABR conference was a spirited former player session with ex-Phillies Dickie Noles, Gary Matthews, and Brad Lidge. Noles regaled the crowd with his version of events from the 1980 playoffs and World Series, when he apparently was bound and determined to throw at every single hitter on the Astros and Royals who dared to stand in against him. Brad Lidge talked about being on the mound to close out the 2009 2008 World Series, and also the beginnings of his career.

Sarge, as he’s prone to do as one third of the26th ranked broadcast team in the Majors, rambled on extensively about how he doesn’t trust numbers, he trusts heart, and barely discussed his playing career. He did, however, provide the greatest revelation of the conference, as it was revealed that Gary Matthews is not just a former ballplayer. He’s not just a broadcaster. He’s not just the father of Gary Matthews Jr. He is all of these three, and he is also a hatter.

That’s right, Gary Matthews makes hats. Beautiful hats. All the hats you could ever want, if your head wasn’t shaped funny like mine, and therefore you looked ridiculous in a hat. Hats galore. He’s even starting a line of little fedoras for kids. Which will be adorable because kids in hats. His website boasts, “Along with his family and baseball, Sarge has a great love for stylish headwear. A quality hat always tops off his look and Sarge wanted to share his passion for headwear with his friends and fans. Creating a collection of his favorite styles, is the on-line destination for classically styled and high quality hats and caps for men and women.”

Perhaps his meandering on television and in person are because he is still using the traditional mercurit nitrate for felting his hats, and prolonged exposure is driving him mad. That would explain a lot anyway. Well, as he slowly succumbs to mercury poisoning, he is leaving behind a fine legacy of headwear. Here now are the 10 best hats available for the discriminating gentleman to purchase today-right now, in fact-on*:

*Sarge also has a bevy of hats for the ladies, which I feel less qualified to judge. Though I really liked this, this, and this. And some femme fatale could wear this and get me in all involved in a murder rap, and I wouldn’t mind.

1) Brooks Hat, $100

Hat-Brooks Hat










2) Bamboo Mowbray, $54

Hat-Bamboo Mowbray

3) Habana Hat, $95

Hats-Habana hat










4) Tropic Player, $53

Hat-Tropic Player










5) Agnelli Plaid Cap, $76.50

Hat-Agnelli Plaid Cap










6) Charlie Pork Pie, $52.70

Hat-Charlie Pork Pie










7) Tilden Cap, $52

Hat-Tilden Cap











8) Billy Fedora, $60

Hat-Billy Fedora










9) Recycled Tropic Duke, $53

Hat-Tropic Duke










10) Canvas Fisherman’s Hat, $44

Hat-Canvas Fisherman

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Mike Bates used to have a stupid pseudonym. Now he doesn't because people want to pay him to write about baseball on the Internet and he's really a sell out that way. He is also a Designated Columnist at SBNation, co-founder of The Platoon Advantage, and is an American Carpetbagger on Getting Blanked, the finest in Canadian baseball-type sites. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter here:

16 Responses to “More SABR Fallout: Gary Matthews Sr., Mad Hatter”

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  1. Damaso's Burnt Shirt says:

    What’s the SHAR aka Standard Hats Above Replacement on each of the hats?

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    • Mike Bates says:

      Wow. Great question. I suppose that first we have to set a replacement level hat. Any suggestions?

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      • War2d2 says:

        I believe the Replacement Level Hat should be set to a screen-printed, feed-store-branded, foam-front, mesh-backed, adjustable trucker’s cap with a nylon-quilted bill and a small, barely noticeable coffee stain on the corner, don’t worry about it honey, this isn’t the Ritz, Thelma won’t complain and anyway crawl off my ass I just want a plate of hash. What do you mean I never take you anywhere nice we went to Red Lobster last month didn’t we? I’m not made of money, and cotton ain’t pulling down the price it used to and I’m not getting any younger anyhow. It’s not like Jimmy will take over the farm, what with that devil’s rock and roll taking over his life. I pray for him, honest I do, but I fear his soul has been lost to the ways of Old Scratch. I know he’s only twelve, but you can see the darkness take him when he sets about practicing on that tuba for band. The worst decision we ever made, allowing that book-learned teacher talk us into letting him down that darkling path. We’ve lost our boy, momma. We’ve lost our boy to that shining brass demon.

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  2. Munkie91087 says:

    Small mistake, but Lidge closed on the 2008 World Series, not 2009. Hopefully this doesn’t come off as me being a jerk, but Phils lose to the Yanks in 2009.

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  3. guy who knows where the beds are says:

    According to the link, the Marlins had the 26th ranked broadcast team. The Phillies aren’t listed in that grouping at all.

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  4. Sharktopus says:

    What the fuck is Shwarma

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  5. rusty says:

    Supposedly a top-quality milliner will be able to find / alter a hat design to flatter any head, no matter its shape. It’s on my list of things to do someday when I’m rich; in the meantime, I, too, have a funny-shaped head on which standard hat designs look uniformly awful.

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  6. Steve says:

    I’m confused. You say that he “makes” hats. Based on the images of kangol hats, it seems that he just “sells” hats.

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  7. Wobatus says:

    That last lady hat linked to, I believe was the one Barbara Hershey wore when she shot Roy Hobbs in The Natural.

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