Mr. President? We Have Dave Cameron on the Line

presidentplane

Mr. President? We have Dave Cameron on the line.

“Mr. Cameron. How are we today?”

“Good morning, Mr. President. I’m fine, sir. Thanks for asking.”

“We’re about to land, so I don’t have much time. Can you give us a quick sitrep?”

“Well, sir, things don’t look very good at this point. I wouldn’t call it a dire situation, necessarily. There is still time for improvement, but things don’t look terribly promising right now.”

“Mr. Cameron, if you had to put a number on our chances for success, what would you say?”

“I’d have to turn to the models on this, Mr. President. And from the numbers I’m looking at, I see a chance at success between 0.7% and 4.5%.”

“Those are not promising figures.”

“No sir. They are not.”

“How did things get this bad, Mr. Cameron? Who’s to blame here?”

“To be honest sir, there’s no individual person to place blame on. In fact, many individuals have been performing admirably. I think it’s a deeper issue that, to be honest, starts at the top. Leadership has just not put together a very effective squad on the whole. Some are exceeding expectations, but it’s simply not enough.”

“Very well. Thank you for your time Mr. Cameron. We’ll be in contact again if things change.”

“Mr. President. I just want to be clear. We’re still talking about the White Sox, right?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion and this whole thing turned into an episode of Frasier where everyone thinks they know what everyone else is talking about, but nobody actually knows.”

“Nah, we’re cool, Dave. You didn’t start a war or anything.”

“Not this time, at least. Ha ha.”

“That’s not funny.”

“No sir. Sorry sir.”

“Something wrong with your eyes, Cameron?”

“No sir. But thanks for your concern.”

“END TRANSMISSION!”




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David G. Temple is the Managing Editor of TechGraphs and a contributor to FanGraphs, NotGraphs and The Hardball Times. He hosts the award-eligible podcast Stealing Home. Dayn Perry once called him a "Bible Made of Lasers." Follow him on Twitter @davidgtemple.


10 Responses to “Mr. President? We Have Dave Cameron on the Line”

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  1. Yirmiyahu says:

    What was the blink count during this conversation?

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  2. MikeS says:

    Hey, the White Sox have actually been pleasantly-surprisingly mediocre this year.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  3. Strunk and White says:

    “To be honest sir, there’s no individual person to place blame on.”

    Real Dave Cameron (and REAL Dave Cameron) would certainly know the grammatically correct way to express this thought:

    “To be honest sir, there’s no individual person on whom to place blame.”

    That’s how I knew this was fake. Nice try, Mr. Temple. So close.

    Vote -1 Vote +1

  4. GilaMonster says:

    “Sir, we have Dave Cameron on the line”

    ***Dave proceeds to ramble on baseball***

    “My apologizes, we called the intelligent Dave Cameron instead of Prime Minister Dave Cameron”

    Vote -1 Vote +1

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