Mustache-Spectacles Combo: Craig McMurtry
Craig McMurtry, thief of hearts!
He’s a good egg, McMurtry. If he drives a white, windowless van, then it’s for purposes of infiltrating the ranks of other drivers of white, windowless vans and then taking back the streets from same. The stylish zippered warm-up conceals a mighty heart.
The mustache forms a “C.” The lenses of his eyewear form two “O”s. “Coo” is the call of a pigeon. “COO” stands for “country of origin” and “Chief Operating Officer.” CoO is the chemical symbol for Cobalt Oxide. It is also the code for a West African airport, the safety record of which would likely horrify coddled first-worlders with hearts less mighty than the muscled organ that beats within Craig McMurtry’s chest and locked, bony cage.
Motel to airships, chemical compound poisonous to weaklings, executive with muted passions, the place you are from, a street bird’s despairing bray — Craig McMurty is all of these things. Without glasses and mustache, Craig McMurtry would be none of these things. Without Craig McMurtry, the glasses and mustache would be none of these things. QED.
The formula is a formula because it is etched upon the walls of a cave beneath a riverbed that is no more. No one fishes that river because the river has dried up.
Craig McMurtry doesn’t watch them not fish that river that dried up.
Specstache.
“Hi, I’m Craig McMurtry. You might know me from such places as Fulton County Stadium or my windowless, white van parked outside the elementary school. When I’m not getting shelled on WTBS, I’m usually either trimming my mustache or mustaching the trim. My message, kids, is stay in school! That way we might have a chance to meet as you walk home alone.”
Carson Cistulli, Craig McMurtry and “Peter” from Whale Wars are actually triplets separated at birth by Dayn Perry and sold for cheap beer, cigarettes and a couple of pairs of clean underwear.
All that’s keeping McMurtry from being the greatest Mustache-Spectacles Combo Craig or all time is the amber tint of Kusick’s lenses, which are not at all dissimilar from what that those fisherman would wear when they were not fishing that river dried up.
Did you know? Craig McMurtry was the first openly gay MLB player.
Can you do ‘Ron Karkovice looks like a guy named Ron Karkovice’ post? Because man, did that guy ever look like a Ron Karkovice.
this is a good idea. i always get ron karkovice and mike lavalliare confused. they are both fat, ugly, backup catchers.
Nice try, Perry – but that’s clearly actor and mustachioed gentleman David Cross (Tobias Funke from Arrested Development) posing as a Tiger’s baseballer for the 1984 cover of Playgirl. Or it might be the man that abducted me into a white panel van and told me to always wear tinfoil underwear so BIG GOVERNMENT can’t control my gonads.
Or a Braves player – as my glasses were absent from my face. Oops.
All pale before the magnificence of Fred Manrique, but I digress. That look Craig’s giving is fierce
Who knew Freddie Mercury was such a Braves fan?
“I really don’t know anything about the sport”, Mercury said, “but Sir Elton wooed me to town with his stories of Hotlanta, and now I just want to meet a local”.
Seriously, Dayn: Excellently written.